How are you feeling?

The question made me stop and think, because my first thought was, “I don’t know,” and that is never, ever good.

So, i’m here, writing to figure out how i’m feeling.

First, the physical:

Cymbals withdrawals are fairly terrorizing.  The speeding heartbeat, followed by the sluggish heart beat.  Anxiety.  Insomnia.  Exhaustion. Flares. Suicidal thoughts.

It took all i had to stay in my body, not give into the physical sensation of the start of a panic attack, and definitely not entertain the fleeting suicidal thoughts.  i checked in with my fibro group and was repeatedly assured that this was all the “normal” constellation of symptoms associated with cymbalta withdrawal.  It made me pretty angry, for one, because this is why i had refused the drug for years.  Secondly, what in the fuck is big pharma doing with us?  What kind of poison withdrawal results in erratic heartbeat that can do on for months?

Then there was the normal misery associated with not having pain meds.

Five days of hell was more than enough.  My body is still adjusting back.  Unfortunately, to top it all off, i woke up Saturday with a head and chest cold.  So, i’m trying to choose between working with medicine head and more pain-or less pain and a head that feels like a bowling ball and yucky green lungs.  Fun times.  i don’t want to accidentally kill myself or something by taking cold meds and vicodin together.

i slept on the playpen again so Sir Raven could get good sleep, because i went for the cold meds last night, and had very big very sharp needle stabbing pains that jolted me awake every couple of hours.

It has to get better.  It will.  i just have to keep chugging along, keep the house clean, and keep working on school.

I’m in crunch time, in the last two weeks of these classes, doggedly hanging on to an A and a B.  I’m stressed, as to be expected.  i have regular work plus two giant projects.  What i’m also a bit worried about is how i will do with the two weeks off, when i have less to ground and force me to focus.

Right now, i’d love to have a few days to just sleep, but it is not to be.  i have far too much to do.

i’m a bit terrorized in the house, with two mice and one rat sighting in the last few days.  Damn it.  Again.  i was only smoking in the kitchen, by the open window, blasting music.  Now i don’t even want to go in there.  i bought some very expensive peppermint rodent spray to try and end the rein of terror.  i’m not afraid of spider, roaches, garden snakes, bugs.  But rats and mice?  Yes. Phobic.

Okay, now emotionally-

That is far trickier.  Sir Raven and i finally started talking about some ways our relationship will change, and her acknowledgement that i’m serious is a bit of a relief.  It’s also nerve wracking.  Strange. The word scary comes to mind.

Beyond that-

i was watching something on television the other day and then a program came on about three women who had been kidnapped and kept in a house on chains for ten years.  They had the same thick chain i was bound with-as it turns out, its a logging chain.  The therapist that jumped in to explain what happened to them mentally during the ordeal was really helpful.  He wasn’t an ass about it.  At one point, he said that their brains literally had to create changes to accept the reality in order for them to survive.

The women talked about things that were familiar to me:

trying fruitlessly and ridiculously to remove the chain, thinking that somehow no one would believe me, finding comfort in being locked away, being unable to conceive of an outside world, being thankful for small allowances like being able to draw and paint, keeping a diary, forming a few bizarre rationalizations as a result of the kidnapping, feeling that love would keep me from being murdered.

i thought-again-that i have to forgive myself for doing what i had to do to survive.

There are some things, such as conflating love with not letting me leave, that don’t go away.  Nor does the fear that i’m just the whore of a rapist.

Every time i take migraine meds i think about Barbara doing what she did, and how my mother was ice cold when i was hysterically sobbing, and being unable to keep her out because my mother just kept letting her come back in the house.  Barb was buying groceries when my mother refused to leave the house for months, so she was literally the only way i had to feed my nephews.  It just was another way that i could not form an escape.

i also think of all of the odds i have beat in life.  So damn many.  And i can still love, have hopes, and dreams, and am still fighting back.

i push back against the odds against me and i always win in the end.

This is a messy time, a bit, but that is okay.  This too shall pass.  i know what i’m moving forward into, what i deserve, need, want, and what i have to give in return.

In a funny irony, i had to complete a survey and write up my results-which said that i’m quite securely attached.  i rank high in turning into my relationships for comfort during times to stress and i rank high in not expecting the other person to want to leave me.  When i had to examine the results and explain myself, i wanted to laugh, because i tend to think a partner won’t want to leave me because i provided consistently high service and speak every love language daily.

i want to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

In many ways, i don’t feel its a comment on me that i can’t be that here.  i don’t know what is wanted other than to sit quietly on my playpen, do nothing, and wait.

It’s becoming harder and harder for me to write here, which i suppose is an indication that i need to be here writing.  i’m gonna try and be more consistent about that.  i really wish i could go spend a month at Disney with people who want to be there with me.  i know my inner five year old is showing up inside, because i want to sniffle, pout, and scream, “And you don’t care!” which is proof positive that my lil girl is stomping her feet.  It isn’t true, of course, that no one cares and i absolutely know that.  Five year olds are exempt from rational thinking.  Heh.

 

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11 thoughts on “How are you feeling?

  1. kalypso10 says:

    Sending you special, supportive thoughts. You are an amazing woman. I admire you.
    In the words of Dory…just keep swimming…🐡

  2. Ira says:

    Disney for a month now that sounds like a plan. Give yourself the opportunity to look in the mirror (I know you can’t see it) and tell Jade how your full of love and kindness even if it’s not mutual. I have seen your pain physically and emotionally first hand so I understand the pain you are in. I know the person you are. Try to be that person to yourself. ❤

    • jadescastle says:

      Disney is the ultimate little happy place. i just wanna live there for a month, at a hotel, and forget everything but having fun. i am feeling like a fuck up more than anything right now, even though i logically know i’m doing the best i can do. You genuinely helped me move through a lot of the fears i was left with from being kidnapped. i have my battle scars, yes, but i worked through a lot. i don’t know what i would have done without that time. It’s just kinda hard to feel good about me right now, but this too shall pass. Hugs.

  3. A Country boy says:

    i understand all that more than i should , an my heart goes out for you, you have no idea how bad i wish i lived closer, i so want to just hug you and keep telling you that you are perfect just the way you are, you are very smart, very caring, very nurturing, very passionate about your life , your Sir and all those around you, and Ms Jade , when i listen/read about your coffee adventures with your friend karida? i can’t spell her name sorry, anyway when you write about your time together having coffee and talking an laughing and buying ears ( which are really cute btw ) the love you have towards others shines through , don’t ever give up Ms Jade , it has to get better , maybe not now, not tomorrow, but it will get better . and lastly, never ever feel guilty for your past, it’s called survival and you did whatever it took to survive, there is no shame in that at all , i know you don’t believe me, but it is true . that old saying, only the strongest survive … ya well that isn’t just a saying, that is a truth in it’s purest form … and Ms Jade… that makes you one h3ll of a strong woman an girl , way way stronger than most people . don’t sell yourself short Ms Jade , you are an inspiration to many . and a good and trusted friend to many more

    • jadescastle says:

      Sometimes, i’m just tired of being the strong one, you know? You did spell karida perfectly. i try and not feel bad about the ways i had to survive, but i have my days that it is a struggle. i feel like i’m adrift in the sea with wave after wave coming at me, and suddenly i’m just exhausted and want to sink to the bottom without fighting it or fear. It will get better, i know. i’m so exhausted.

      • A Country boy says:

        yes, it is very exhausting to always be the strong one , it’s hard to always be strong , really hard, after long periods it just does things to you, and just want to sink as you said , what you need is a break, disneyland or a few days with friends would probably rest you up nicely , easier said than done, i know.

  4. olivia says:

    Yep, 5 year olds don’t have to be rational.

    i’m so upset about the mice/rat situation. Omg. Just – no. Oh – i was reading something recently about some humane kind of trap – i can’t remember where i read it. Should i go look for it?

    Also, i’m glad you and SR are having some real conversation about your needs. Yay for you. Of course it’s uncomfortable.

    i’m so glad that you were able to see some parallels between your horrible experience with having been kidnapped and the three women who also experienced that kind of torture. Hoping that your self-compassion increases exponentially. ❤

    Sorry i've been MIA for you, i am not as good a friend as i'd like to be, but i am sending lots of love and light.

    • jadescastle says:

      I bought some really expensive peppermint spray that is supposed to get rid of the rodents. God willing.
      SR and I are sort of talking.
      I don’t have much compassion for myself in general-it’s just another traumatic event in a long series of them, you know?
      You are a lovely friend just how you are. I know you are busy… and my irrational five year old knows too. 💙

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