Sitting with fear

i’m trying to do for myself what i would do for anyone else right now.  Namely, just sit with the apprehension, huge feelings, and exhaustion without judgement.  i notice how tired i am, remind myself that some of this really is just the meds adjustment and having a  fever and bad cold at the same time.

Of course, this all comes in the biggest pressure part of the term, two weeks left, two giant projects to get done.  So i have to keep pushing toward the end goal right now, no matter what.

i try and focus all of my strength left on getting semi coherent papers together, keeping the routines that keep my little world feeling stable, try and be kind to Sir Raven, and push the feelings of hate and uncertainty away.

i’m tired of being strong all of the time.  Really, really, really tired.

If i do my best and fail, how can that feel good?  Sure, i have pride, i know i’m doing my best and giving my best-even when it isn’t enough.  To have it fail, to face that, is enormous.  It hurts.  It should hurt.

i’m watching my A slip into a high B.  i’m pissed that there were problems inside of Blackboard, that the instructors take forever to grade anything in both classes, and that i have to work ten times harder than everyone else all of the time.  i’m mad that i’m sick, that the fever has dragged on for almost two weeks, that i just want to go to bed and sleep for a week, that i have nightmares.

i’m even mad that my grandmother can’t be bothered to show up for me on Halloween.  Like ever.  What is she doing that is so damn important?

Sir Raven took the broom down for me to clean and sweeten with oils.  After five years of being up over the door, it desperately needs it.  That might help.  i just need to find the energy to work on that.

She brought home a turkey burger for me yesterday, which i devoured, and had no idea i was even hungry.  That was nice.

i need to go to the farmers market for her bread, the pharmacy, write up a case study which doesn’t say, “Get your head out of your ass,” and a ton of other assignments looming closer to due dates with chapters and chapters to read.  And then the massive projects to get done.  One of them is autobiographical in nature, which is where it should get interesting.

My fever just won’t stay down.

i’m exhausted, longing for comfort.  i keep thinking of my Grandmother, dying of dementia, who kept telling me she wanted to go home but had no idea what home meant anymore.


9 thoughts on “Sitting with fear

  1. A Country boy says:

    i think interesting is an understatement for your autobiography, that assignment will most likely make the instructor faint hahaha

    may i ask what the meaning is of the broom over the doors and the oils ?

    many things you talk about really get me curious , but most times i don’t ask, i google what i can , im just so afraid to offend you or your Sir by asking too many questions . i can’t remember the names … i think they’re spirits but i don’t know .

    i have great empathy for you my dear friend, i can sometimes feel your hurts and i am not talking the physical hurts, and yes it is extremely hard to always be strong, people in general do not realize just how much energy is used to stay strong, nor can they understand how much it hurts to always be the strong one.

    i hope you find some comfort, and are able to rest, and i hope you begin to feel better and the fever goes away .

    • jadescastle says:

      The broom symbolically cleans the house, protects from negative energy getting stuck. It really is fine to ask anything. If I can’t explain something then I will just say so but there is no harm in asking. You are right that it takes a lot of energy to stay strong. I went to bed really early last night and am trying to get extra rest today when I can. I’m tired of being sick

  2. olivia says:

    Poor baby – that”s so much to deal with. i hate that you have to go through so much, and am always amazed at how much you’re able to do despite everything. Sending love and light… ❤

  3. When you are exhausted, overwhelmed, with a lot of things you HAVE to get done, and just not feeling it… first, breathe. Take five minutes to just breathe. If you think too much slow it down. Focus on an item, a spot on the floor, a piece of jewelry, and breathe. Then, draw your head back from the big picture and think about today. The next few hours, this minute even. What do you need to do. Write it down, do it. Cross it off. On to the next thing. Take things moment by moment, doing what you need to do. If you need to work on a project, that too. Don’t think about the whole thing or how to finish, just start. Eat. Hydrate. Rest, even if you don’t sleep. Hot shower. Get something you enjoy the smell of, an orange, flowers, oils, food. Something that grounds you. Each day, start over, don’t think about yesterday, or tomorrow. Think about today, Now, this moment. Be exhausted, but also realize you don’t have to carry yesterday, right now. It’s not in this picture frame. It will be there when your projects are done and you can turn back to it, but right now, it’s not your focus. Right now your focus is you. Small things, one by one. Give yourself permission to cry, scream, stomp, punch a pillow, throw something with a good satisfying crunch or crash, then settle down. Breathe, and begin. You got this.

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