i’m trying to do for myself what i would do for anyone else right now. Namely, just sit with the apprehension, huge feelings, and exhaustion without judgement. i notice how tired i am, remind myself that some of this really is just the meds adjustment and having a fever and bad cold at the same time.
Of course, this all comes in the biggest pressure part of the term, two weeks left, two giant projects to get done. So i have to keep pushing toward the end goal right now, no matter what.
i try and focus all of my strength left on getting semi coherent papers together, keeping the routines that keep my little world feeling stable, try and be kind to Sir Raven, and push the feelings of hate and uncertainty away.
i’m tired of being strong all of the time. Really, really, really tired.
If i do my best and fail, how can that feel good? Sure, i have pride, i know i’m doing my best and giving my best-even when it isn’t enough. To have it fail, to face that, is enormous. It hurts. It should hurt.
i’m watching my A slip into a high B. i’m pissed that there were problems inside of Blackboard, that the instructors take forever to grade anything in both classes, and that i have to work ten times harder than everyone else all of the time. i’m mad that i’m sick, that the fever has dragged on for almost two weeks, that i just want to go to bed and sleep for a week, that i have nightmares.
i’m even mad that my grandmother can’t be bothered to show up for me on Halloween. Like ever. What is she doing that is so damn important?
Sir Raven took the broom down for me to clean and sweeten with oils. After five years of being up over the door, it desperately needs it. That might help. i just need to find the energy to work on that.
She brought home a turkey burger for me yesterday, which i devoured, and had no idea i was even hungry. That was nice.
i need to go to the farmers market for her bread, the pharmacy, write up a case study which doesn’t say, “Get your head out of your ass,” and a ton of other assignments looming closer to due dates with chapters and chapters to read. And then the massive projects to get done. One of them is autobiographical in nature, which is where it should get interesting.
My fever just won’t stay down.
i’m exhausted, longing for comfort. i keep thinking of my Grandmother, dying of dementia, who kept telling me she wanted to go home but had no idea what home meant anymore.