It’s okay-you are a baby.

I had a pretty busy day trying to make up for yesterday.  It was Sir Raven’s late day, and I had seen her for all of twenty minutes the day before.  Two long days being sick, being alone, waiting to shower.

By the time she got in, i was in a ball in the bed.  Too exhausted to think clearly.  Half out of it.  She made herself breakfast for dinner, sat in the living room for a bit, showered, and got into bed.  i got up at one point, to get my laptop charged and to fix the sheets, because i had everything all tangled up and she can’t sleep with the bed messy.  But she didn’t say anything and i just turned around and went back to bed with my messy pigtails and pjs i’d stayed in.

i got a shower today, put on make up, forced myself out to get the green tea and little juices she likes.  i got poweraid for me since its the only thing that fights the sick tummy.  i wrote up a case study that was reasonable for a mock client.  i did not invent my own DSM code for “Stop Being An Asshole.”  (Though, personally, i think there should be a code for that).  So, thats something.  i have two more papers to get done today.

The house is mopped and clean.  i made a grocery run for her favorite turkey and cheese, fresh bread, extra coffee, her chips, and some soup for me.  Because i am too weary to make soup.  i may even be too weary to dump the contents into a saucepan.  Food isn’t sounding good anyhow.

The exterminator came and i told him i saw mice.  He asked if my vision was better and i dryly informed it the damn thing jumped out at me while i was cooking.  So no.  He asked if i ran out.  Yes. Yes, i did.  He crooned at me, in his Spanish accent, “Awww, it’s okay little baby.  I know you are a baby anyhow.  I see you around and you are always baby.”

i applied for the Residency for school so the gatekeepers can see me.  It makes me think of the movie Ghostbusters and laugh.  i’m tense about it but it has to get done.  i can survive a week of anything.  Mainly, i’m worried bc i can’t sit through classes at events and know i am not going to be magically cured for this week.  So, its stressful.  So is having to walk in with a visible disability and have people project stuff onto that, when i just want to be any other grown up person trying to be taken seriously for a week.

i should maybe not bring my kitty ears.  Heh.





7 thoughts on “It’s okay-you are a baby.

  1. olivia says:

    Lol, jade, yes i think no kitty ears. Funny girl.

    The exterminator sounds creepy. i hope he at least does his job right.

    • jadescastle says:

      You know i’m tempted to wear kitty ears. But-seriously-i need to buy some camisoles so i don’t look like Dr. Boobies. i’m worried that i won’t be able to sit through long classes, and will not be able to focus because of the pain, and will get asked questions about how i will do therapy like that. To which i will point out that there are no rules that we can’t use floor pillows, or giant bean bags, or whatever the hell else i can come up with. Seriously, if i can sit Indian style, which is how i always sit, that would help a lot. But i can’t do that in shitty conference chairs. It’s bad enough with the white cane, but i don’t want to draw extra attention to myself or being disabled. Other students are worried about being judged, like their own mental issues are going to come flying out. Me? Nope. i write papers about the crazy when it comes up, because this is a part of my life where i am not willing to be fraudulent. So, i am not at all worried about being judged insane like my cohorts. Hell, i ran group meetings when i was 12, because i happened to be a lot better at it than the professionals. i was the kid who would tell them i needed their PDR before i’d agree to take any meds. Heh. Not worried about being insane, which is what everyone else is groaning about.

  2. A Country boy says:

    sheesh i’d be a tad weirded out about that exterminator guy . my first thought would be… how the heck would he have that knowledge, and how long has he been observing you , the average person would never say that i know you are a baby , the thought would never cross the average person’s mind even if they watched you for years…

    i so very much admire you, you are not feeling well, you’re stressed, yet you do so much in a day , and do school on top of all that ,seriously if i had to do that all the time, i’d probably have a meltdown during or just after my breakfast.

    that Residency, is that like you living at the school ? and what’s a gate keeper ? … my first thought was gosh, she is going into a dungeon … but then my mind is never far from the dark side .

    ummm you need to eat , even if you don’t feel like it, someone got after me for not eating so i think she should be eating because i really don’t wanna have to get after her unless i have to 😉 i have no idea who she could be … do you ? *GRIN*

    you are lucky that i don’t live closer , because I would get you to eat , i would just do to you what my Daddi did to me last saturday and that is my dirty lil secrets , an nope, wasn’t a threat or a whuppin or nothin .and i think you might be just as shocked as i was, an maybe you would blush too … or you could very well be like jannie and make me look like a doofus for resisting so hard hahaha

    please try and rest , and eat something , even crackers an soup , you need to eat to have strength and so your body has the energies to fight what is making you feel ill.

    • jadescastle says:

      i just finished another paper. Woot. Okay, so a residency is a week long adventure where we meet our professors in person, attend group therapy sessions, analyze mock clients, sit in on workshops, and get judged on our suitability for the profession. When I say they are gatekeepers, that is a part of the job-they are evaluating if they believe you have the knowledge base and ability to handle being licensed to dig in other people’s psyches. i have to go stay in a hotel for the week, attend all of this from 8am until early evening. It sounds a bit like what people suffer when they run for a Leather title, which is exactly why i never want to do that. Just the words, “meet and greet” make my brain freeze.

      i’m not sure i wanna know what your Daddi did.
      i did eat though-soup and crackers. i found the peanut butter and jelly crackers, which gives me some protein, so i can sorta think.

      They are just slamming us with massive piles of work the last two weeks. My God. Sadists. I wrote up two long papers today, have three more to go, and the two projects to do.

      The only reason i ever want to really meltdown is when i can’t think clearly enough to make my words come out right, can’t find simple words, and work piles up. That is very stressful and i have a hard time recognizing when i need to just stop and make myself rest for a day-so i keep pushing, get mad, can’t get things done but spend all day thinking about it or working on other things and never relax. Fibromyalgia doesn’t care that i’m trying to make something out of my life. 😦

      • A Country boy says:

        i am pretty darn sure those gate keeper people will see you have what it takes and then some , the week at the hotel might be a nice change of pace … just try and remember they have chamber maids, so you don’t have to make that hotel spotless , it is good that you are at least eating something peanut butter is very healthy for you, i either read it or heard it somewhere that a person can get what their body needs with just 2 table spoons of peanut butter in a day … i don’t know ifn that is actually true , but i do know it is healthy .

    • jadescastle says:

      Oh…and….you know, two of you thought the exterminator was weird and i didn’t even notice that. He always does stuff like that. In fact, lots of men routinely comment in that kind of a way, calling me “princess” or “little girl” or “little mommy” or “miss.” There are a lot of men in this world who instantly see the child in me. i thought it would go away as i got older, but instead it becomes more visible all the time. That was the second time today a man stopped me to say that he saw me somewhere else and that i’m always smiling.

      • A Country boy says:

        to me it is a bit weird because i get curious and would start askin him a bazillion questions, average people don’t notice things like that so i would be suspicious … an you should be proud … your posts go to my email .. so when i open that email thing to check the mail, the title of your post was the subject line of the notification… before i even opened that email to read your post… you had managed to startle the jinkers right outta me so bad that i verbally eeeekkkk ‘d out loud lol so when i opened it to read it , i was greatly relieved and then kinda weirded out again , that a guy would talk like that to you, even ifn it is true , still he shouldn’t know about those things … which brings me back to my curiosity… ifn i was there i’d have been askin him a bazillion questions because i want to know how people see the childs in people … it just mystifies me .

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