We have become so close to Sir Josh and Ro in the last couple of years that it feels strange to me that i am deliberately holding back information from them.
i have been for over a year.
i notice its bothering me.
And i notice that when i was saying something about Sir Raven promising me something and then not doing it, how that had really negatively impacted our relationship,
Sir Josh said, mildly, “eh, the life of a slave.”
Without trust, what do we have?
i asked Sir Raven that just the other day, and she promptly replied, “Nothing.”
i expect to be told “no” often, to be denied treats or little joys, or whatever. That would be along the lines of, Eh-it sucks-but its the life of a slave.
i do NOT expect to be promised something, worked for something, and then have it jerked away.
If i am saying i NEED something, then what i am saying was if i don’t get this-it is going to end up hurting me. Eventually, that will hurt our relationship.
So, a pervasive pattern of broken promises matters. Certainly, a lot of them were small things, which is almost worse in my mind. Because it would have been so easy to just take care of it and me. Or to just do something to indicate i matter. To promise and then take it away is one of the ways my worth has been chipped away.
If i promise, i make it happen.
Yes, even as a slave, i expect that in return.
Not having it means i can’t trust in a Masters word, that i can’t have a sense of safety, that i am not worth tokens and symbols, that i am not worth the truth.
Begging for some silly treat for years, enduring being offered it and having it snatched back, lessens the joy i can experience when i finally get it. i wish i wasn’t that way, but i am.
i don’t know how to fix these things. It seems like i should know. i don’t.
i think some of it is entirely my fault, because i love with a child’s fervor and dedication, with a child’s desire to believe in the face of every indicator that they should not.
i really just want to understand why it is so damn hard to just love me.
If you can understand how hard i have worked in this life, how hard i have tried to love beyond reason and still not care how i’m being treated…i just don’t know why that is. But i suspect it has something to do with me not doing enough, or the ways i’m different that i can’t fix, or that i’m just not pretty enough to cause you to stop.
i’m still trying to fix me and feel like i fail more often than succeed.
winter just isn’t my season.