Life of a slave

We have become so close to Sir Josh and Ro in the last couple of years that it feels strange to  me that i am deliberately holding back information from them.

i have been for over a year.

i notice its bothering me.

And i notice that when i was saying something about Sir Raven promising me something and then not doing it, how that had really negatively impacted our relationship,

Sir Josh said, mildly, “eh, the life of a slave.”

No.

Just NO.

Without trust, what do we have?

i asked Sir Raven that just the other day, and she promptly replied, “Nothing.”

i expect to be told “no” often, to be denied treats or little joys, or whatever.  That would be along the lines of, Eh-it sucks-but its the life of a slave.

i do NOT expect to be promised something, worked for something, and then have it jerked away.

If i am saying i NEED something, then what i am saying was if i don’t get this-it is going to end up hurting me.  Eventually, that will hurt our relationship.

So, a pervasive pattern of broken promises matters.  Certainly, a lot of them were small things, which is almost worse in my mind.  Because it would have been so easy to just take care of it and me.  Or to just do something to indicate i matter.  To promise and then take it away is one of the ways my worth has been chipped away.

If i promise, i make it happen.

Yes, even as a slave, i expect that in return.

Not having it means i can’t trust in a Masters word, that i can’t have a sense of safety, that i am not worth tokens and symbols, that i am not worth the truth.

Begging for some silly treat for years, enduring being offered it and having it snatched back, lessens the joy i can experience when i finally get it.  i wish i wasn’t that way, but i am.

i don’t know how to fix these things.  It seems like i should know.   i don’t.

i think some of it is entirely my fault, because i love with a child’s fervor and dedication, with a child’s desire to believe in the face of every indicator that they should not.

i really just want to understand why it is so damn hard to just love me.

If you can understand how hard i have worked in this life, how hard i have tried to love beyond reason and still not care how i’m being treated…i just don’t know why that is.  But i suspect it has something to do with me not doing enough, or the ways i’m different that i can’t fix, or that i’m just not pretty enough to cause you to stop.

i’m still trying to fix me and feel like i fail more often than succeed.

winter just isn’t my season.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Life of a slave

  1. Cinn says:

    You are getting stronger and stronger, even if you don’t know it.
    Your self-respect and self love are growing…
    Keep thinking, and keep growing. Keep standing up for you

    • jadescastle says:

      Thanks Cinn. It makes me feel like a horrible bitch to stand up and fight for me. It is exhausting, confusing, and overwhelming. And then i get sick from the stress and am too sick to fight. Heh. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Heh.

  2. Ira says:

    Stop “trying to fix me”. You don’t need fixing you need attention and if the person you serve cannot see this maybe she needs the fixing. Stop trying to re-invent you, you are great just they way you are. I know that I love you I know it’s not the same but you have a lot of people who love you ❤

  3. not just a country boi says:

    😦 my dear sweet friend jade, please know it is NOT you, and it is NOT your fault, it never was, you are NOT the one who is broken, you are a very beautiful person, inside and out, I know you don’t believe that, and I understand why, just know that regardless of what you think or believe, you truly are.

    you seriously need to listen to your Friend Ira ( if there is supposed to be a Title in front of her name I am sorry, I do not know her).

    I miss you and very much love and respect you and I truly value our friendship, it is good to see you posting again.

    • jadescastle says:

      It can be hard to hang onto and believe in good stuff sometimes. Thanks for the comments. Oh…Ira…you know, i don’t know how he would like to be referred to these days. If he has a preference, i’ll pay attention in the comments. 🙂

      • not just a country boi says:

        Oops my bad , sorry , I seriously need to pay attention, I can be very daft at times . Won’t blunder like that again , I’ll mess up something different .. cuz I excel at making mistakes lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s