Sir Raven turned on Super Soul Sunday last weekend.  We started watching it together before i ever came here and kept the tradition up for the first couple of years together.

The speaker said that we won’t have dreams that we cannot fulfill.

He said we may need to gain extra skills, experience, and so on but the basic innate ability is already in us if we have the desire and the dreams.

i keep turning this idea around, slowly, examining it from multiple angles.

My whole life, i wanted to surrender entirely:

i wanted to be a nun and a mother,

a teacher and an artist,

a helper.

i’ve done all of these things, in many ways, but disabilities have robbed me of a lot of opportunities.  My dream of teaching children didn’t die.  It can’t change form, either, realistically.  If i could still see print, i’d tutor for free again.  Certainly, i cannot imagine being able to open my own preschool anymore.  i wanted to have a place just for the kids of LGBT parents to explore life together.  It just isn’t in the cards.

Motherhood came, in the blessings of my Brandon, my Gabe, and my Jacob.  i don’t hurt anymore for my Brandon, he reached manhood, there was nothing more i could have done for him.  i miss my boys all of the time.  Part of my soul is with them and a part of them is with me.  We were just meant to be.  i have never begged God for anything more than to have a chance to save them.  By a very narrow margin, i may have.  Only time will tell how much damage it did for them to have the only warmth they knew taken away.

My dream of motherhood didn’t go anywhere.  i just can’t have my own children in this lifetime.  Sir Raven and i have talked of fostering, but talk is all we have done.  We don’t have the space to accommodate children now, and not in the foreseeable future, while i am still young enough to keep up with kids.

Who knows if they would just resent me anyhow, for being sick, for being unable to do things that sight requires.

It’s just another dream deferred, but the biggest dream of my heart, the one  thing that would bring me endless joy.

So i struggle to wonder at the words he said-that we wouldn’t have a dream we can’t fulfill.

Surrendering my life?  That feels like a Fail.

Sir Raven said months ago when we were talking that i was not the best slave she ever had.  And if i am not the best, then what is the point?

i suppose letting that really sink in-that i am not the best-changed me.  It is certainly a part of why i am more inclined to say my own needs aren’t being met.  If i am being neglected for a cause, i guess i can live with this.  But to be neglected for no reason?  No.  Just no.  i thought being the best slave for her meant not saying what i need from her.  To understand that i did that and am still not the best-well-it just feels like i failed.

i am a good companion for her.  We get along well in that way-extremely well.

i still try and do my best for her.  She is relaxing into some things, and i woke to a lovely handmade card today for Valentines Day.  That was a first and really sweet.  i celebrate un-Valentines Day with her-which is tomorrow.  i am excited about her gifts.  ❤

In other news, i have time to write again for awhile, because i finished my classes.  i’ve spent two days hauling laundry, restocking the house, and getting everything back to normal after the crunch of the last week.  i have been taking a damn bus to do laundry for going on two years now, and am so very sick of that.  It ends up being a three hour chore, at minimum.  On the plus side, Mc Donalds sells breakfast all day, and i got a sausage biscuit today.  Yummy.

i wonder if i fulfilled my contract in life, why do i still dream the same dreams?  i can’t really entirely stop thinking about this and weighing it.  Examining.  i live a surrendered life in many ways, and still long for a deeper connection, total interdependence.  The way i have been taught is that what i want is wrong, bad, and should be set aside.  Without the things that reach me, i feel adrift.  How in the world do you reconcile that with no one having a dream that you can’t make happen?  i work at it all of the time, but nothing feels right inside a lot.

i work my ass off in school to be a professional helper and don’t know how that will play out.  That is really scary.  i have no safety net.  i’m not worried about hurting future clients.  i’m worried about my body being able to manage the challenges of interning.  i’m worried about losing my little check and having absolutely nothing to fall back on.  i’ve been homeless before, and it haunts you.

Sir Raven is home.  i’m going to finish dinner, give some hugs, and rest after a long day.




2 thoughts on “Puzzled

  1. Ira says:

    Always remember what Walt Disney said “When you wish upon a star your dreams will come true. You are a very special person to me and you will always be. Never feel bad about the slave you are you have always gone above and beyond to please those who you are with. Never stop dreaming, never stop loving that’s just who you are. Love you!

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