Feeling a bit raw, physically and in my heart.
My meds are still not here. i finally managed, four calls in, to get Sir Raven’s meds worked out and picked up. Just hot mess.
i’ve also been inside all week, and alone a lot, even more than usual.
Lots of nightmares, since i finally admitted that i saw the conversation between my mother and kidnapper on facebook, with alarming lovingness, always a danger sign between them. While i had not spoken to Dawn for years, she always kept contact with my mother, in large part to know where i was and what i was doing. When i came to Florida to take care of my grandmother, my mother had already been paid thousands and given many expensive gifts by dawn. In return, dawn knew even which plane i was on. There was never going to be an out for me.
My mother didn’t expect Dawn to move me every three months to different apartments. She expected to continue to live in the apartment dawn provided for free, with her loser boyfriend staying on the weekends. She expected to continue to lounge about and do nothing, while i made sure everything was immaculate at all times.
Looking back at it, its apparent that Dawn would alway soften when i was a little girl, when my chin would quiver and my eyes fill with years, and i would snuggle my pooh. It’s not that i could manipulate her. For one thing, i can’t make myself cry or turn little at my will. i can’t really control those things.
It’s not that she wouldn’t beat me like that. She did. It was different though. She beat into me the idea that i can fight against the belt, and i will never ever win. i will never be able to mentally get away from it. i can’t escape in my head from it.
i tried it-to go away in my head-and it was always very bad.
i tried to go away in my head once with Sir Raven with the strap, and that is how i got myself hit in the head with it. Because i went away in my head.
There are still things that were put there that i will react to-labels being not forward in the frig still gets me very upset. There are certain smells too. Tonight, running an errand in the cool early eventing, there was the scent in the crowd waiting to cross. i tried to hold my breath. i wanted to smoke. Badly. i still do. Ugh.
i ate a bunch of candy. lots and lots of twizzlers. caramels.
The person who knows the very most about my life before isn’t Sir Raven, or even me. It’s Ira. He wanted to know every single detail about life with Dawn. The person who knows the most about life with my mother is probably Barb. She said it was like watching a play, where the servant always knew what line they were to say, what they were to do, endless fussing over the Queen.
i think that Sir Raven dislikes what was put there before her. Sometimes, she watches me get upset, my hands shaking or going to cover my ears. She is always leaving things with the labels turned side ways.
i don’t know. Service is all i have ever known. i never knew there was a little girl inside of me until i was away from my mother, in my first (and M/s) relationship. If nothing had been put there before, i guess i would have just disappeared here. Because there is nothing holding me together sometimes.
How many years have i acknowledged consistently needing belt beating? Lots. And its a hard thing to say about myself. It is something i hate the sound and feeling of, something i can’t escape from. i can’t get away from the need. i can’t get even further away from me.