Brain dump

First, my break from school was absolutely lovely.  I had tea with Karida at our favorite place, had mani pedi and lunch with Lady Sabrina, got work done on our new house, helped collect condoms and stuff for the Pearls to pass out at Folsom East,  enjoyed the Botanical Gardens with Sir Raven, enjoyed time to just be.  The only bad part was my very special teddy bear is MIA and so are my coloring books and crayons.  😦

We had the crew over for a podcast while i sat on the floor and made “pussy pack” kits with condoms, female condoms, and lube.  Sir Josh joked that this was likely the first time i had been around so many condoms and it was actually true.  i had made them for hours, with Sir Raven watching closely.  She had me redo about 30 of them to fit more in, patiently sitting next to me and showing me exactly what she wanted.  Then Ro came over and helped, Goddess Bless her.  Sir Raven commented on how great Ro was doing, how great everything is that she does, per usual.  She goes out of her way to compliment other slaves, listen to them, solicit their thoughts, and it gets to me at times.  i try and joke it off by my routine of exaggerated remarks in my best Sir Raven voice.  It can be frustrating at times.

i kept thinking of something SR had told me weeks ago, that one of the Masters she talks to thinks I have too many opinions, but did not say who.  I could hazard a guess that its the Master who knows us and our personal lives the least, but whatever.  It didn’t feel great.

i find that Masters don’t ask slaves how we are really doing.  Masters tend to praise and expect the slave to praise their Master as well.  There is very little room to share if you are never asked directly how you are doing, what is going on in your power exchange, what is working, what isn’t working, and so on.  i think this begets a negative cycle, in which everyone thinks that everyone is okay and never checks in.

i know when i have a different opinion from Sir Raven, it doesn’t go over well with her.  Her first reaction is to tell me it isn’t true, without even a second or two to consider what i said.  That is our normal.  Yet, she believes she gives me much freedom in the capacity to speak honestly, and in some ways this is true.  i have authored books, been on numerous panels, led discussion groups, and so on.  One on one though?  Not so much.  With our crew? Not so much.

i used to talk in the podcast, because there was a rule in place that i contribute, because it was Sir Raven’s intention that we have numerous opinions and thoughts from all sides of the leash.  i’m there the whole time, just quiet.

This time i was putting together pussy packs for hours, and off pain meds, and my right leg goes to sleep from my waist to my foot.  i was sitting on the floor and needed to stand up to serve.  Realizing their was no way to get up in a ladylike fashion with my leg asleep from a pinched never, i said, “Gentlemen, avert your eyes, please.” I stood up with my ass in the air, and quickly discovered who the only Gentleman in the room was.  Or, at least, she wasn’t the person who blurted, “Wow. Did that just really happen?”  Heh.  And these are my crew!  lol.

In other news, i have been researching on sociopaths again.  i think we focus too much on the lack of empathy, because cognitive empathy can be learned.  i believe high functioning, highly intelligent sociopaths have cognitive empathy.  What they lack, is remorse, and the ability to feel badly naturally when they have hurt others.  They seems wholly unable to accept full responsibility for their actions.  No matter what a sociopath has done, they will always point to someone who did something “worse” and/or blame the victim.  So, i have also noted that many Masters diagnostically meet the criterion for having Conduct Disorder as children and Antisocial Personality Disorder as adults.  i don’t give a flying flig in they like this or not, to be honest.  i know what i’m looking at.  What i can’t understand is why in the hell they would deliberately put themselves in a position of having a slave, where they have no choice but to accept full responsibility for their actions?  That is the litmus test of who is a Master, to me.

i don’t automatically think that meeting the criterion of being a sociopath makes someone inherently bad in any way.   It can lead to cruel actions, of course, but it doesn’t have to.  i find that most high functioning ones find a tribe, develop their own sense of right and wrong, and can understand another persons sense of right and wrong.  It’s something they have to actively think about and work on, and it won’t ever be natural.  What i wonder is if remorse can be taught?

i certainly tried.  The latest research suggests that i did the right things, with the research that i had done and with my own hunches.  i used a ton of repetition, explaining internal thoughts, mimicking facial expressions, trying to replicate remorse tied to negative consequences.  The latest research says i did the right thing, to give constant touch, to be consistent.  Maybe those years were enough to rewire my boys.

i don’t know.  i’m having a hard time pulling myself together today.  Everything seems overwhelming and frustrating.  i get meds in two days.  Horray.  It will be okay for sure, just need a few days of meds back in me.  In the meantime, i’m trying to get reading done, homework done, chores done.  i went 3 days without smoking at all, realized i was starting to have a panic attack, and ran out for cigarettes.  Go me.  Not.  😦

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Changes

We survived the move.  i  feel like SR and i should have matching tee shirts that say so.  Or a bottle of champagne.

Weeks were spent with her rising early, going through hordes of stuff, editing, and then rushing out to work.  Then i would dutifully carry bags of donations down to part of the solution and pack.  i managed to pack the way i was told to, which was radically different from what i have ever done.  What i mean by this is i was generally the only person who packed for a family of five, two of whom were hoarders.  So i would pack, smoke a lot of pot, drink several pots of coffee a day, and color code everything.

Indeed, not only i without pot for the first move ever, i was also without pain meds for at least half of it.  It was hellish at times, but my mantra was, “these are all problems I am lucky to have.”  That helped me keep perspective in the box filled house, while i was simultaneously in the most stressful part of my classes.

WEE!

Sir Raven and i managed to communicate well with each other, overall.  We finally made arrangements to see apartments, saw four in one  day, and the last one was what Sir Raven chose without any conversation with me.  It was perfect for us.

By the time the movers showed up, we had pushed through boxing everything left.  The only part i hate in moving is when you are down to the last 5 percent of boxing stuff, where you are basically throwing shit into boxes and are too exhausted to care anymore.  Sir Raven didn’t falter in her ability to make quick decisions, explain what she wanted, and help tremendously.  She took the lead, showing me that our M/s is very much intact and thriving.

The movers were professional, after a bit of a snag that SR managed to work out seamlessly.  We managed to fill an entire truck, even though we got rid of the narnia cabinet and her loveseat.  Then we worked like maniacs, from the time we woke until we were ready to drop to get everything set up, with the few days she took off from work.

SR insisted the kitchen was clean, and could not seem to process what i was telling her, that there were dead roaches in the kitchen.  So i basically had to unpack the kitchen twice.  I got everything put up, while i washed everything down in the cabinets, and then had to wash most of our dishes and pans to put them up.

By the time she went back to work, we had almost everything done.  i thought we were down to one box, and became determined i would surprise her when she came home by having everything done.  Five hours later, i emerged, triumphant.  She was really pleased.  That night in bed, i remarked that our Ms was in a far stronger place than i had realized.  We were able to push through as a team, under extremely stressful conditions on both of us.  No one should mix working, moving, grad school, and disabilities at the same time.  SR injured her thumb, so we were both disabled, and had to try to work around it.

She chose a perfect place that already  feels like a home.  It’s bright and airy, on the top floor, so we get to see the sky and buildings around us, and we have an elevator.  There is a small laundry mat in the basement, and a large one just around the corner.  The kitchen is the largest and finest i have ever had, and came with a brand new stove and frig.  i have never gotten to decorate a kitchen by myself or set one up with my own ideas, so it was a lot of decisions i wasn’t used to.  i decided to do a Cinderella kitchen, something i picked on my own, and without just doing what i knew someone else would want.  When it is done, i will take pictures.

Sir Raven has helped so much with the nesting.  She chose baskets, dealt with ways to organize, took me to TJ Max and bought everything i saw, plus she gave me a sixty dollar gift card for TJ Max, so i could go back for anything else i need or want.  She has put together all of the ikea furniture, all of the bookcases, made space for me to have an extra drawer in the dresser and in bins, hung art, and has been totally involved in lovely ways.  It seems she has genuinely turned a new leaf, by being present, being aware, and helping so much.  In response to my babygirl energy, she has been far warmer, even telling me she loves me from work yesterday.  i know she loves me, but it feels good to hear.  She said i was a real trooper in all of this.  And in an exhausted heap one night, she asked me a question, and then said, “baby, love of my life, please just tell me what you need the bins for.”  Heh.  i told her that every moment of exhaustion was worth it to bring her to her knees in exhaustion so her true feelings came out.  🙂  i never thought i was the love of her life, which was my immediate reply, but she just brushed it off and told me to just hold it in my heart and enjoy it. ❤

We had a lovely Mother’s Day weekend together.  i made waffles, got roses for the house Altars, her Ancestors, and then we went to the Botanical Gardens for our first trip this year.  It was so nice.  She fried fish when we got home, and then surprised me with a light and sexy play session.

It seems we both needed a fresh start.

My stress level has gone down considerably, the light and brightness helps, and that when i clean it is obvious that i did it helps.  So does not having a constant exaggerated startle reflex going from seeing mice or evidence daily.  It also helps that everything is less cluttered, we have much more space, and it validated that we are very much in this together.

i’m really happy.  She is really happy.

Oh-and i made an A in that class, by the narrowest of margins, but still.  My GPA is up to 3.7, which is very decent.