First, my break from school was absolutely lovely. I had tea with Karida at our favorite place, had mani pedi and lunch with Lady Sabrina, got work done on our new house, helped collect condoms and stuff for the Pearls to pass out at Folsom East, enjoyed the Botanical Gardens with Sir Raven, enjoyed time to just be. The only bad part was my very special teddy bear is MIA and so are my coloring books and crayons. 😦
We had the crew over for a podcast while i sat on the floor and made “pussy pack” kits with condoms, female condoms, and lube. Sir Josh joked that this was likely the first time i had been around so many condoms and it was actually true. i had made them for hours, with Sir Raven watching closely. She had me redo about 30 of them to fit more in, patiently sitting next to me and showing me exactly what she wanted. Then Ro came over and helped, Goddess Bless her. Sir Raven commented on how great Ro was doing, how great everything is that she does, per usual. She goes out of her way to compliment other slaves, listen to them, solicit their thoughts, and it gets to me at times. i try and joke it off by my routine of exaggerated remarks in my best Sir Raven voice. It can be frustrating at times.
i kept thinking of something SR had told me weeks ago, that one of the Masters she talks to thinks I have too many opinions, but did not say who. I could hazard a guess that its the Master who knows us and our personal lives the least, but whatever. It didn’t feel great.
i find that Masters don’t ask slaves how we are really doing. Masters tend to praise and expect the slave to praise their Master as well. There is very little room to share if you are never asked directly how you are doing, what is going on in your power exchange, what is working, what isn’t working, and so on. i think this begets a negative cycle, in which everyone thinks that everyone is okay and never checks in.
i know when i have a different opinion from Sir Raven, it doesn’t go over well with her. Her first reaction is to tell me it isn’t true, without even a second or two to consider what i said. That is our normal. Yet, she believes she gives me much freedom in the capacity to speak honestly, and in some ways this is true. i have authored books, been on numerous panels, led discussion groups, and so on. One on one though? Not so much. With our crew? Not so much.
i used to talk in the podcast, because there was a rule in place that i contribute, because it was Sir Raven’s intention that we have numerous opinions and thoughts from all sides of the leash. i’m there the whole time, just quiet.
This time i was putting together pussy packs for hours, and off pain meds, and my right leg goes to sleep from my waist to my foot. i was sitting on the floor and needed to stand up to serve. Realizing their was no way to get up in a ladylike fashion with my leg asleep from a pinched never, i said, “Gentlemen, avert your eyes, please.” I stood up with my ass in the air, and quickly discovered who the only Gentleman in the room was. Or, at least, she wasn’t the person who blurted, “Wow. Did that just really happen?” Heh. And these are my crew! lol.
In other news, i have been researching on sociopaths again. i think we focus too much on the lack of empathy, because cognitive empathy can be learned. i believe high functioning, highly intelligent sociopaths have cognitive empathy. What they lack, is remorse, and the ability to feel badly naturally when they have hurt others. They seems wholly unable to accept full responsibility for their actions. No matter what a sociopath has done, they will always point to someone who did something “worse” and/or blame the victim. So, i have also noted that many Masters diagnostically meet the criterion for having Conduct Disorder as children and Antisocial Personality Disorder as adults. i don’t give a flying flig in they like this or not, to be honest. i know what i’m looking at. What i can’t understand is why in the hell they would deliberately put themselves in a position of having a slave, where they have no choice but to accept full responsibility for their actions? That is the litmus test of who is a Master, to me.
i don’t automatically think that meeting the criterion of being a sociopath makes someone inherently bad in any way. It can lead to cruel actions, of course, but it doesn’t have to. i find that most high functioning ones find a tribe, develop their own sense of right and wrong, and can understand another persons sense of right and wrong. It’s something they have to actively think about and work on, and it won’t ever be natural. What i wonder is if remorse can be taught?
i certainly tried. The latest research suggests that i did the right things, with the research that i had done and with my own hunches. i used a ton of repetition, explaining internal thoughts, mimicking facial expressions, trying to replicate remorse tied to negative consequences. The latest research says i did the right thing, to give constant touch, to be consistent. Maybe those years were enough to rewire my boys.
i don’t know. i’m having a hard time pulling myself together today. Everything seems overwhelming and frustrating. i get meds in two days. Horray. It will be okay for sure, just need a few days of meds back in me. In the meantime, i’m trying to get reading done, homework done, chores done. i went 3 days without smoking at all, realized i was starting to have a panic attack, and ran out for cigarettes. Go me. Not. 😦