I’ve been doing tons of research, consulting everything from prison journals, nursing journals, studies, trials, All The Things-

and i’m seeing a puzzle just begging to be put together.

i have a class in research, and it inspired the searching and reading and synthesizing.  From it all, i have deduced that Hebbian learning can take place in people with antisocial personality disorder with traditional CBT, social training, and combining therapeutic touch with music and movement.  Since i can’t actually carry out the research, and my professor seems unlikely to want a tome on the topic, i decided to scratch the idea.

i was explaining it all to Sir Raven last night, but she was nonplused.  She thinks that if it was all combined early enough, it could work.  And i’d agree.  But-but-i can’t just write off the idea that sociopaths cannot learn to understand at least two forms of empathy and learn to experience remorse.  Even if it is just for those in their tribe.

i think that with enough time i could put together a comprehensive review, because i found some really excellent studies on empathy, ways to measure it and teach it.  It was conducted and published for nursing and doctoral students, so it is highly unlikely to reach segments.  Just as the journals of studies for the Penal system may not be reviewed by people conducting therapy with clients with personality disorder.  i can see how it all works together, and i’m positively itching to be able to put it all together and get it published.

i just can’t do it for this class.  Sigh.

Anyhow, i was delighted to discover i’m not the only person interested in this topic in the class.  i think i have an odd advantage, in that i have some thinking patterns from being raised by and with people who are antisocial.  i have definitely acted against social norms and rules in favor of protecting family members.  i have some autism traits, and there is sufficient overlap there, though much of that could be from being actively taught to disregard rules that were not family rules.  i experience all forms of empathy and tremendous remorse though, thankfully.

i want to believe that even the most complicated cases of maladaptive behavior can be changed, if the person wants to change.

So, anyhow, i’m knee deep in research.  i’m still loving our new place, working hard to keep it clean and organized, and jugging two classes and a full schedule of Pride Events coming up.  i’m trying to stay caught up and work ahead where i can, so i still have time and energy to enjoy Pride events.  Every year i plead to go to the march, and every year Sir Raven reminds me of all of the reasons why we can’t go.  😦  Somehow, i really wish i could get a few days a year of not being in pain or disabled.  If i did, i’d totally use one for Pride.  Last year, we saw the very end, and i was overwhelmed to see how many people simply didn’t hate us.  i was kind of hoping Sir Raven would let us peek at the end again, but she scheduled a lot of other stuff instead.  Bar nights, botanical garden visit for their pride night and the Chihuly night exhibit, Folsom East, and my birthday.

Sir Raven went to work on the hutch, and i took before and after pics, because it was so beautiful.  i smile every time i walk into my Cinderella kitchen.  She is making great strides in not putting things off.  i think i finally found a quiet way to let her know about my needs.  She has discovered that our bedroom is big enough to use her whip, and i continue to get a delicious reminder days later, when i sit down.  We haven’t jumped over the edge together in a damn long time, and my sense is we both need that, but we are getting there.  i appreciate her taking our relationship and making it more of a priority, taking the time for us.

We are both more affectionate with each other overall.  We are happy, working hard, playing hard.  It is so much more than enough.



2 thoughts on “Puzzles

  1. boi-princess says:

    Holy Mackerels that hutch is beautiful!!

    I watch American parades on video clips and am always amazed at the thousands of people, I have never seen such a huge parade festival live …. yet heck with just seeing it I wanna jump right into one of those and just get lost in the crowds ahahaha ( that part will never happen) just wishful thinkin *smiles*

    I don’t understand your school stuff and that review thingy you spoke about, but that’s why you are in school and I am not, sounds like a good thing though, and it sounds like you truly enjoy it so it has to be a good thing right? right! and I like hearing about it, even if I don’t understand I still like to read/see/hear you talk about it 🙂 makes me happy ( yes I am strange, but you know this) you are like a psychologist or psychiatrist right? that is what your courses are about? cuz I thought wow, she switched careers and is studying law!! a lawyer or shrink, you would be fantastic at either, n sometimes I wonder if I get to be your little lab rat and not really be aware of it lol

    it is awesome that you and your Sir can play now that you have the room and that you get a reminder when you sit, and the affections are awesome possums !! makes my heart very happy for you and her 🙂 … yes I am happy for her too, still scared shitless of her but happy none the less ahahaha

    and yes your kitchen is absolutely beautiful, and Cinderella no less !! that is just beyond words awesomes!!

    k cable man is here to fix my internets, and he isnt the cute one, jannie will be so disappointed lol

  2. Ira says:

    I know how much you love the studies you are now taking. I am so glad that you can once again enjoy the slice of the whip and the gentle reminders that come after that. We are also getting ready for all the pride events in St. Pete, Tampa and Orlando. As with you we are unable to participate as we used to due to work schedules and the place we work.

    I am so happy that you are loving your new place, i know that you were very concerned about that. I love your new hutch it looks very versatile and bright. I am also happy to hear that your relationship with Raven is once again positive.

    Overall it sounds like despite the obvious you seem to be happy again with your live. We love you and miss you very much!

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