One of the most important skills i have developed is mindfulness. i live mindful most of the time, and i practice gratitude daily.
Sometimes, i fail in spectacular fashion. A few days ago, Sir Raven had received some unexpected news. It was potentially good news, but i was so thrown off that i was overcome with emotion. My mind raced-backward-unfortunately. Had i caught myself then, noticed i was angry, noticed i was blowing everything out of proportion in my head, everything would have been fine.
But-nope. i sure didn’t do that. i brought up the past, and i’m not one of those people who think you should never do that. If something is a pattern of bad behavior, then that is a good reason to discuss it, in my book. That wasn’t at all the case though. It was simply a knee jerk on my end.
i thought i had a handle on it enough to talk, offer suggestions, and not have it be obvious that i was feeling a certain kind of way.
So i never even gave her a chance to offer comfort, because i never said how i was feeling or what i was thinking. i just went head first into what i wasn’t going to live through again, yada, yada, what a bitch i can be, yada.
An hour or so later, i did apologize. Neither of us were in a good place to handle anything, so i just said i would not bring the topic up again until she did. The topic was worth discussion but we needed time.
The next morning, on very little sleep, i served her coffee and packed snacks in her bag. She had an early morning meeting and the rest of the day off. So i offered a very sincere, heart felt apology, and admitted i had jumped back to the past without any cause. i admitted that i was not mindful enough to stop myself and go think and reflect first. i accepted all of the blame for the frustrating conversation the night before.
i didn’t want her going into a meeting, or spend an hour getting there and home, thinking about it without knowing that i was sorry and i was wrong.
Fortunately, she forgave me. We are in the best place we have ever been together, and i can’t let anything get in the way of that progress and growth. Especially something i can control by doing what is always expected of me. You can’t have a constant pleasant demeanor if you aren’t mindful. i think that we are both so used to that being my default, that we were both surprised by my reaction and upset.
Live and learn-sometimes the hard way.