One of the most important skills i have developed is mindfulness.  i live mindful most of the time, and i practice gratitude daily.

Sometimes, i fail in spectacular fashion.  A few days ago, Sir Raven had received some unexpected news.  It was potentially good news, but i was so  thrown off that i was overcome with emotion.  My mind raced-backward-unfortunately.  Had i caught myself then, noticed i was angry, noticed i was blowing everything out of proportion in my head, everything would have been fine.

But-nope.  i sure didn’t do that.  i brought up the past, and i’m not one of those people who think you should never do that.  If something is a pattern of bad behavior, then that is a good reason to discuss it, in my book.  That wasn’t at all the case though.  It was simply a knee jerk on my end.

i thought i had a handle on it enough to talk, offer suggestions, and not have it be obvious that i was feeling a certain kind of way.

So i never even gave her a chance to offer comfort, because i never said how i was feeling or what i was thinking.  i just went head first into what i wasn’t going to live through again, yada, yada, what a bitch i can be, yada.

An hour or so later, i did apologize.  Neither of us were in a good place to handle anything, so i just said i would not bring the topic up again until she did.  The topic was worth discussion but we needed time.

The next morning, on very little sleep, i served her coffee and packed snacks in her bag.  She had an early morning meeting and the rest of the day off.  So i offered a very sincere, heart felt apology, and admitted i had jumped back to the past without any cause.  i admitted that i was not mindful enough to stop myself and go think and reflect first.  i accepted all of the blame for the frustrating conversation the night before.

i didn’t want her going into a meeting, or spend an hour getting there and home, thinking about it without knowing that i was sorry and i was wrong.

Fortunately, she forgave me.  We are in the best place we have ever been together, and i can’t let anything get in the way of that progress and growth.  Especially something i can control by doing what is always expected of me.  You can’t have a constant pleasant demeanor if you aren’t mindful.  i think that we are both so used to that being my default, that we were both surprised by my reaction and upset.

Live and learn-sometimes the hard way.


4 thoughts on “Mindful

  1. naughtynora says:

    I love mindfulness! And hey…we all mess up sometimes…just keep on trying, jadescastle 🙂

  2. boi-princess says:

    that is one of the many reasons I look up to you and always ask for your thoughts, you are so level headed and smart, you inspire me, even when you lose it, you quickly regain self-control, I admire that, and I learn by your examples 🙂 xoxoxo because as you well know, unlike you who just sometimes has to learn the hard way, with me, it seems I always have to learn the hard way * shakes head * but as you said… live and learn right?

    I am so happy things are getting resolved between you and your Sir and that things are getting back on track, sending you positive energy and loving thoughts xoxoxo

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