Why it’s PTSD, of course.
June and July are difficult months for me. There are difficult anniversaries, which time makes different but not really “better.” Some years, i think i’m sailing through, just fine. And then something happens to remind me that every cell has a memory, and some part of me will always remember.
This year, it was having such a severe nightmare that i literally pushed my poor Master out of her bed at 4am and she couldn’t wake me up. i don’t recall any of it.
There is also resilience and self compassion, hard won, from just enduring and still being sweet and loving.
The weather definitely doesn’t help, as humidity equals crushing bone pain, and intense pain. The pain itself can be triggering. My tailbone got broken at 14, and it changed everything. i have multiple herniated, bulging, broken discs, and my spinal cord is being pushed on constantly. Even with that admission of awareness-i am genuinely lucky to not be paralyzed.
Sometimes, the pain is just too damn much for too long, my pain meds don’t touch it, and i can’t wait for Sir Raven’s even breathing to tell me she is asleep before i silently sob. Last night was one of those nights, and i cried myself to sleep.
i genuinely wish that everyone understood that pain medication isn’t fun and you don’t get high when you live in pain. It keeps me from wanting to die, gives me a better quality of life, helps me keep moving and get things done. Thats it. It doesn’t take the pain away as much as just make it dial down to a tolerable level. Literally, the medicine represents life to me.
i also wish there was a better understanding of how much harder i have to work because of the pain.
Today is super rough, and i’ve got the chores done, am going to try and nap. Or color. Anything to keep my mind off the pain. i have-of course-tons of homework, but even i know its just not going to work for a few hours, at least. In general, i’m not good at know when to keep pushing myself and when to take breaks from the constant demands of school. i have never been good at that, and tend to push myself to exhaustion with working and get upset when i can’t get anything done. It’s actually a lot harder to force my brain to work than my body.
Sir Raven’s Godfather came over to secure the air conditioner, and i excitedly grabbed his hand and showed him the house. We paused at the bedroom window, and i said she didn’t think this was a view, but i did and gave thanks for it everyday. He suggested hanging a half curtain, so she wasn’t seeing the roof of the next building. i said i would ask her about that.
He said i should just surprise her.
i said i get to surprise her in the culinary department and with treats, and that is it.
He laughed. He knows his Goddaughter. Amused, he gestured at her tools (aka toys) hanging from the bed frame in a neat row. He said that i may be right, and wouldn’t want her using one of her paddles on me.
i know he knows exactly what we do, and has the basic understanding of our relationship. But in nearly 6 years, he has never directly said anything to me, other than a vague “I know you need to ask first” sort of thing.
i’m glad he didn’t say the strap, because just hearing that word makes me flinch.
So, anyhow, he is coming over for dinner one night next week. i’m so excited. i have a genuine love for this man, and is one of the only men that i allow to touch me. When i hug him, we really hug very tight. We embrace. It’s not a self conscious “no boob hug.” Actually, the only other man i let really touch me is Sir Josh, though we rarely do. We did, several years ago, and i would tease him and tell him that we would hug until he tapped out. Someone told him i was uncomfortable with him touching me, and it never happened again.
Anyhow, time to rest. SR will be home in a few hours and we may be going out tonight, if i can manage. Tomorrow is our big monthly shopping trip to BJs, and a night event with the Pearls. And i get to see Karida!! She called today, and it was so nice to just hear her voice and gab.
Oh…actually…i was asked a question about a typical day…so i’m gonna do that blog post today or tomorrow too. i didn’t forget, Nora. 🙂