seeing red

Something happened yesterday, and i’m still seething.  i’ve been trying to decide since last night if i can let it go or not.

i just want to point out that when a normally mild mannered person is visibly angry, there is a damn good chance that she was provoked repeatedly.  That you might have just seen the final thing that put them over the top.

i want to point out that when a woman stays, it doesn’t mean they deserve what happened, or what will happen, or that they don’t need support.

We have a former friend who was pretty much considered to be a Bitch by everyone who knows her.  When i met her, i really did wonder if she was being poked and poked and poked in private, chided in public, and would explode in front of people because it made her feel safer.

One of the legacies of being an abused child is the lasting fear that no one will believe you, or that no one can see what is plainly going on.  Or that even when someone does see, they can’t or won’t do anything.  When that happens enough, you feel crazy.

In other news…

Karida finally got to see our new home, yesterday.  She came over and made guacamole, which is always the best thing ever in the history of food.  Except for maybe her salsa.  i ran out and the guacamole gods smiled upon me by letting me find five perfectly ripe ones, cilantro, lemon, and garlic.  i got pictures of her in her apron, which always makes me grin.  i had washed it carefully when we moved, and asked her if she wanted it, and then hung it up next to mine because it always makes me smile.

Sir Raven ate a whole bowl of her snacks, and then passed out cold in bed right next to the bowl.  It was so freaking cute.

We went to a bar night and there was a renowned bootblack there, who worked on my kitty mary janes until they purred.  i was really freaked out, bc SR was making me get into the book black chair, which is up a huge step, with stands for your feet.  i couldn’t see the chair at all in the crappy lighting, which was quite unhelpfully tinged red from red bulbs.  i was convinced i was going to fall.

And then i had one of those rare but horrifying body dysmorphia moments where i am 700 pounds in my head, and imagined the chair breaking, and tumbling down.

i tried to quietly plead to not go up there, but SR made me, and up i went.  The boot black was nice, and half way through i reminded myself to relax and breathe and enjoy the very rare moment of being pampered.  i am actually really lousy at being pampered.  i get…really awkward….its hard for me to just relax and receive.

When she was done, i motioned with grabby hands like a baby, for SR to come help me down.  She said, “Are you planning on paying her with your good looks?”  i laughed.  “Well, actually, i am since you are giving me the tip money.”

She handed me a bill.  “What are my good looks worth these days?”

She handed me another.

Later, at home, i processed what had made me angry.  i think that people misunderstand what mindfulness means when it comes to things like anger.  Make no mistake, i was aware i was angry, from the first pinprick to the expanse of waves of it.  i just sat and noticed, felt it, decided that i wasn’t ready to do anything yet.

i try very hard to not deal with anger when anyone is exhausted, hungry, or drunk.  Sometimes, getting a good sleep does a lot to change things, and i find that i can let it go.  It is fairly rare that anger really stays for me, and when it does, it is because it is a pattern of behavior that i ignored for too long.

So, i’m still thinking, deciding.  Talking about things should not ever make them worse, but if they might, i just try and avoid.

i am very tired today, didn’t have time for a nap, but chores and errands are done.  When Sir Raven gets home, we are going out to applebees for dinner and then doing our big monthly grocery trip.  She offered to do it tomorrow, but i know that she really does need a quiet Sunday at home, and i’d rather that she have that.  So we will enjoy a meal and then push through the big grocery trip.  i’ve been craving burgers for two weeks now.

i’m going to lay down in my playpen now and just be quiet and be.

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4 thoughts on “seeing red

  1. Ira says:

    Let the anger go (look who’s talking LOL) it is not worth all the energy it takes. Hugs and miss you.

  2. naughtynora says:

    Agreed with above comment…anger is too draining…

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