Yesterday, i did all of the chores, including all the weekly ones. There isn’t a speck of dust, i washed walls, i went through a ton of swiffer cloths, and i worked until i was drenched in sweat.
i had woken up from a dream, where i had put together an experiment so she had to face the messages she gave me. Then an art project, where i had her draw on my body those messages-
You aren’t worth my attention. You are not worth my focus. Your feelings and thoughts don’t matter to me, and I will just deny them. I will shame you in public. I will shame you in private.
By the time i had the house done, i also had a handle on my feelings. i know what Sir Raven does when i finally am angry, she just withdraws even more and ignores more under the guise of “giving space.” i didn’t ask for space. What i asked for, was for her to understand what she was doing and that she was doing it to a small child.
Then i asked that she find a way to engage with that part of me, the part she loves best. It is on her to make up for hurting the little girl inside so badly that she had to go away again. i feel betrayed because i gave a clean slate, not because she deserved it or earned it, but just because i became aware she needed it-and this is what she wrote on me.
She needs to develop ways to reach out to me, the little girl parts, and i think she doesn’t know how to do that really.
If she wants access to my feelings, then she can’t keep hurting me. She must learn that i have to protect myself, because the cycle is one where i get hurt. Emotional pain makes the physical pain worse, triggers flares, makes it harder for me to get work and school and everything done, and the only person who seems to pay or redouble their efforts all of the time is me.
No one sticks a gun to my head.
That is just me, just who i am.
So, anyhow, after making everything immaculate i went to do laundry. While i was sitting there, i realized i was having chest pains. And i was just like….no….just no. i can’t carry this pain and sadness around in me. i can’t let someone inside my heart and end up with heart pains. When it kept feeling weird, i asked SR several hours later to check and my blood pressure was low and my heart was beating fast. Which is just weird.
i am just taking it easy today, trying desperately to get caught up in school. i should have NEVER taken two classes during Summer. Its just too much on my body, too much stress. i am super stressed about being behind and struggling to understand some of the assignments. i need to get caught up immediately and its just a lot. i was doing so well too. The last few weeks have been really rough. i just have far more pain and flares during Summer.
When Sir Raven came home yesterday, i asked for a kiss. i always have to make the first move and i can see she is hurt too. i don’t want her hurting. i told her that i will let it go, but will let her know in the moment next time, and that i love her.
This too shall pass.