i am trying to treat each day with a fresh start. i noticed that while i was working through my upset feelings by myself, that i was having actual heart pains. And it scared me lots.
i am just going to not deal with the things that crushed me. i suppose Sir Raven is right-who cares what happens to my bones when i’m dead? It’s not like my mother could hurt me again after i am already dead. i was being overly sentimental about the idea of my mother getting my body, getting to put me in a plot next to her, already bought.
We were talking with friends and someone brought up what they wanted when they die and it made me feel funny inside because there is a plot, its where my grand is, right next to her. There are two spots in one grave, for my mother and i. i was surprised to realize Sir Raven wouldn’t care about me being in that plot or my mother having access to my dead body. She said, “who cares?”
Combined with other things, it sent me over the edge.
Really-though-it doesn’t matter. If it did, Sir Raven would make other arrangements. To me, it read that she won’t protect me legally in life, and doesn’t care what happens to me in death. So that is what i was reacting to inside of myself. i don’t think she was intending to send that message, and many times she doesn’t intend her behaviors to send the messages they do. i can overlook. In the grand scheme of things-really who cares?
Like i said, i was being overly sentimental about an idea. God Forbid, i would have a nervous breakdown if Sir Raven’s resting place wasn’t somewhere i could continue to take care of her. If i had no ability to be with her until she was buried. In fact, because she is a Priest, i know very limited details about what to expect should that happen. i just know who to call.
i can’t let myself get upset about any of this. It’s silly. i’m silly.
In the end, our souls will either find each other or not. All i can do is what i always do-focus on giving my best each day. Focus on being my best self for her. Be the person she wants to come home to. Let the rest of this stuff go.
So, that is where i’m at, each day is a new beginning.