Lunch with friends <3

First, if you missed my post, “For Kaya,” i would really appreciate it if you took the time and read that so you have the opportunity to write letters or share it.

We are back from Residency in Atlanta and leave again tomorrow for MSC.  The best part of Residency was finally meeting Olivia.  Amtrak did a horrible job of getting us there but at least we arrived at the hotel safely.  SR and i had been thinking we would have been there a day earlier to rest, maybe get dinner with Olivia and her lovely partner, and have the whole next day together.  Nope.  So we arrived, i hastily unpacked, and ran for coffee because at that point, i had been awake for 24 hours straight.

Still, i was so very excited because-seriously-getting a hug in with Olivia in real life is on my bucket lists top five important things to do.  ❤

What was really interesting, to me, was lunch felt like this was our fiftieth lunch together.  Like we couldn’t have possibly just touched for the first time minutes ago.  SR said the same thing, and she isn’t known for having that experience often in life.  i am never bitchy when exhausted, but my impulsive and playful side really comes out, so i can only imagine it was like having lunch with a 5 year old.  Shrugs.  That is why i warn people.  heh.  i was super upset because when i went to pack up little things i have collected for Olivia over the years, i realized i was missing something.  Plus, i thought i would have had hours at the hotel to unpack, shower, and then wrap her gifts in purple tissue paper but Amtrak got us to Atlanta many hours late.   Anyhow, i have to love someone to wrap their gifts, because it takes me a really long time, and it always looks like hell.  Still, i didn’t want the teeny treasures unwrapped, and my idea was to simply have it all together in the missing bag and just hand it to her to open later.  Unobtrusive, right?

So, it didn’t work that way.  The universe had another plan in mind, so i got to explain everything.  i sent her a tiny cloth envelope, with a stone in it to promote balance and communication and a tiny medal the size of a dime, that has the Angel Gabriel on it.  It jumped out at me in a metaphysical store years ago, when i obviously didn’t know what the medal read, only that it demanded my attention.  When i was told it was the Angel Gabriel, my heart runneth over and spilled out of my eyes in happiness for my soul and my nephews soul touching.  i kept it with me, so it likely feels like me.  It’s basic physics, not woo.  😛

i had wanted to give Olivia something from the heart, and there isn’t much closer to my heart than my first born nephew Gabriel.  So instead of just handing her a bag of teeny treasures, i had to try and explain that without getting teary.

She remarked that she didn’t bring me gifts.  i immediately reminded her she IS THE GIFT because she drove at least 8 hours to have lunch with me.  At first, when Amtrak messed up, i thought she would cancel.  But she didn’t.  So-literally-she is the person in my life who would drive 8 hours to see me for two.

i loved that she got to finally meet the Great Sir Raven.  i loved even more that Sir Raven asked me later what Olivia’s thoughts were about her, and about us, because that is the only time she has ever asked me something like that.  SR trusts about as easily as i do, and cares about the opinion of people who are in her circle only, like me.  So i really loved that part.

Despite the fact that i have warned Olivia for years that i make people choke on or spit out water (especially my therapists) laughing, i got her!  And i wasn’t even trying!! Score one for little jade. ❤

Olivia is incredibly lovely, and i was very aware of some maternal feelings toward me, even though she is smart enough to have kept her feet on the ground with me over the years.  She has the same wit, humor, and genuine presence in person as i have grown to love and trust.  When we hugged, it was a real hug, and neither of us are particularly huggers.  She has a smile that lights up the room, and a sense of being comfortable in her skin.  Not many women have that, and having it myself i know how hard that is to learn how to do.  i found myself wondering if she could see the scars on my hand, from an iron burn at 14, which was weird because i almost never think of that unless something brings it up.  It didn’t bother me, really, but i found myself thinking that and wishing that we were heading out after lunch to take a leisurely walk on the beach to collect shells together.

i loved being aware in the moment that Sir Raven was so comfortable with her that she would always have a place to stay in NYC before i even asked.  It was that natural-and that never happens.  We are intensely private people.

Sir Raven was, of course, her most charming self.  At one point, she asked me what i might like to drink, which is generally her tacit way of telling me that i can request soda. Permission denied.  😦  Though i had just had a starbucks, so really it wasn’t all that mean. Also i was wired already on sleep deprivation and sugar.

Lunch was over far too soon for all of us, i think.  Then i got to meet her D, who has a very soothing presence and a brain i could feel taking in about a million things per second.   It was really kind of him to indulge us girls and help make this bucket list happen.

i think, once we get our finances ahead a bit, that i would have a pretty easy time of talking Sir Raven into a little trip to visit them.  i’ve been to Where-they-live before, loved it, and know for sure SR would love it as well.  There are a ton of B and B’s and we could be alone and walk on the beach and collect shells together.  So, new bucket list item. 🙂

 

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For Kaya

Friends, i know a lot of us were deeply moved by the loss of Brandon, kaya’s beautiful son.  Many of us felt helpless to do anything to help, had no words, and didn’t know what we could do.  i’m asking everyone to take a moment, read through this blog in it’s entirety, and write a victim impact statement.  All of us who know Brandon through kaya can write about how this has effected her and her family.

First, some important thoughts:

i found out about this opportunity via being her facebook friend and spent a few days considering every possible angle before contacting kaya directly to ask her explicit permission to contribute letters and every single idea i could think of, below.  She has agreed and we have gone over this list of additional notes i’m adding here, together.  The last thing i want is any unintended consequences for her or her family.

With that thought in mind,

*please use kaya’s legal name, Teresa.

*please do not link back to your kink blog in any way.  Her bio family may read her other blog and do not need to know how we know her.  i have kaya’s permission to share her site dearbrandonlovemom.com

*please avoid profane language.

*let’s keep the focus on kaya and her family, be respectful, and the compassionate people i know you are.

*i have a very small readership.  However, some of my friends here have a huge readership and you have kaya’s (Teresa) permission to share the link to her blog and this post to your own blog.  Again, please be discreet and don’t add her dearbrandonlovemom.com to your blogs you recommend, change the content of her message in any manner, or do anything which connects kink to her new blog.

*kaya (Teresa)  will have the copies of all of the letters and can decide what she wants to forward to the court.  This will matter now and going forward, as letters can be reviewed by parole boards over time.  Numbers count here.  Not to mention, one of the biggest fears kaya has talked about is the fear her son’s beautiful memory will be lost over time.  Let’s remind her that this will not happen, with letters that can be used for court and kept by her for years to come.

*kaya’s Master’s name is Scott.  Please double check for any accidental words in your letter (Master, slave, cunt).

*If you do share in your blog, i’m asking that you email kaya (Teresa) at the email provided in the body of the message, so she is aware and can read what you wrote for herself.

*please close the letter with your actual name.  For printing purposes, it may be easier for kaya to send the letter as an attachment, saving if it in a format that will not matter if the person printing it is using a mac or pc.

*Finally, please say a prayer or meditation or whatever your spiritual or well wishes may be for kaya (Teresa) and her family.  They are also dealing with hurricane Harvey, seem to have gone through the worst of it, but it has obviously been highly stressful.  They kept electric and have food and water.  i asked about a gofundme page to help with any costs that may have been done during this to their home, but there isn’t one to date.

Under this line is kaya’s (Teresa’s) message.  Should you choose to reblog, please do not alter the message in any manner.

************************************************************************************

For those of you wanting to write an impact letter before the sentencing of Brandon‘s killer, here’s some information I have:

Please send the letters to me directly. You can email them to tesskobs(at)gmail(dot)com, or if you would prefer to mail a hard copy, contact myself, ScottJessa, or Jack for our mailing address. I want them for two reasons. One, I can print them all and mail them priority in bulk so I know they got them and got them on time, and two, I would like a copy of them to keep for myself. It’s helpful to me to know how much Brandon meant to people and how loved he was.

Please put “Impact Statement” in the email subject line so I don’t miss it, and if I don’t reply to you within a few days, resend in case I didn’t get it.

If, for personal reasons, you don’t want us to read your letter, please contact me for a direct mailing address to the victim’s advocate in Marquette County.

I need the letters no later than October 1st. That gives me time to print them and mail them before October 7th. The deadline is October 9th. So please please be mindful of the mailing time.

If you know of anyone who wants to write a letter but is unlikely to see this post, please let them know. The more letters the better. Brandon lived, Brandon mattered, and we are his voice now.

Be aware that the killer also receives a copy of your letter. So don’t include any personal information that you don’t want him to have. (Address, phone number, email address, etc.) You don’t want to leave any way for him to contact you from prison.

Some helpful tips for writing your VIS (Victim Impact Statement):

• don’t describe the crime more than what is necessary to explain how it affected you
(the judge or magistrate already knows about the crime)
• don’t say what sentence you think the offender should get or what should happen to them
(this is the judge or magistrate’s decision)
• don’t mention crimes the offender may have committed in the past
(the judge or magistrate already knows about the offender’s criminal record, and is only sentencing
the offender for the current crime)
• don’t give your opinion about the chance of the offender committing other crimes in the future
• don’t give your opinion about the offender’s ability to change their ways
• don’t give your opinion about the personality or character of the offender. Don’t threaten or abuse the offender, or say what you hope happens to him in prison
• don’t mention how the crime has affected other people
(except if you are making a VIS on behalf of someone else)
• don’t mention other documents that you haven’t attached to your VIS, or that weren’t part of
the court case
• don’t use inappropriate or offensive language.

The most important thing to remember is your VIS should only be about how you’ve been affected by the crime.

Some helpful links:
http://victimsupportservices.org/…/victim-impact-statements/

http://www.pomc.com/impact.html

http://victimsofcrime.org/…/get-he…/victim-impact-statements

The Trauma Dance

If you have periods in your life that there is a definitive before and after, then you probably know trauma.

If you have spent hours, months, every waking thought buried with how could i have prevented this? how could i not have known this was coming?  how come God let this happen to us?  Why couldn’t it have been me? what if i had just been there/had traded places/had not been in the wrong place at the wrong time? 

And then, finally, the constant questioning goes quiet, but for one, it is always the same question, coming in time with every beat of your heart-why?

You find, over the years, that some things spark the trauma back, breathe life back into the monsters, and bring nightmares.  Stress. Exhaustion. Scents. Tastes. Illness.

But its not always what you think, because at least it makes sense to have nightmares when i have been running a fever enough to sweat the entire bed wet for two weeks.

Celebrations. Holidays. Happy moments.  The edge of sleep.  Movies. Sunshine.

The color yellow.

June, July, and August combine all of these together into one.  June and July have holidays, celebrations, memories.  August too.  It’s our Slavery Super Bowl Season, where my Master gets dark and easily annoyed with me, and i have lots of extremely long days and anxious waits.  It is also what i am most happy about, because it just feels fundamentally right  to be used very hard.  i love that feeling, when i have used every single bit of myself in service.  It doesn’t matter to me if it comes from kitchen work, cleaning, fucking, s/m, spirituality, and serving.  i love it all.

This year, i cooked for her Godfather’s Spiritual Birthday and Sir Raven’s.  Ro was an angel as always, reminded me that i know how to do this and to not get stressed, was around to see exactly why i have to work like mad, and took me shopping.  We got to go shop alone, and i felt genuinely honored to be trusted with the task.

In the midst of all of the preparing, i could suddenly hear the music my mother was playing, like i had tuned into her mental radio station, and i couldn’t make it stop.  In the shelter, in the private group therapy, one brave woman admitted that she would smell and sense her abuser in the room, and we learned that was a part of a traumatic response born of disassociation.  i imagine that the psychic connection with my mother is the same thing.  i can’t find anything in the literature about these specific sensations, but i know it is a lot of work to try and tune her out.  Make it stop.

And right after the last post, i ended up sobbing and telling Sir Raven that i had a revelation, and i understood how and why she did what she did.  It was me.  It was my memory problems.  It was me.

We also talked about school, and she told me to drop down to one class at a time, which is still full time schedule and then consider some other options.

i want to say how deeply touched i was with everyone’s replies, and also from the overflowing love i felt channelled to me from time to time.  i will reply privately to each person, but i just really haven’t had any time at all.  It’s been a breakneck pace, and i was extremely sick and have been fighting a nasty infection for a few weeks now.  i am way better than i was, because it got so bad i was forced into bed for about 3 or 4 days straight, just getting up to cook and wash dishes and do the basic chores.

This is the 3rd major illness/flare up in the last 11 weeks.  Sigh.  My classes go so fast that missing a week can fail you, easily.  i kept my B until the last two, somehow.  i am very stressed about it, but also moving into acceptance that if i have to retake them, so be it.  i’m sick.  Not much i can do about that.  Today is the first quiet day since the Spiritual Celebrations, yesterday i was still wired and unsure if more guests would show up, since a few normal guests were not able to make it out Saturday.  This morning, i have been up since 6:45, awash in pain.  On the plus side, Sir Raven is home, and i got to make her breakfast in bed.  And i’m excited, because i quit getting my nails done, and she is sending me for a pedicure today.

i’ve started making lists for packing for my Residency upcoming, and for MSC right after that.  i’m getting excited for both.  i’m a bit nervous over the pain spikes at both that will happen, but that is my life, and all i can do is manage the meds i have very carefully so i can take extra those weeks.  i always try and buy some gifts specially for Sir Raven on her Spiritual Birthday.  This year it was locally harvested fancy honey, and a small wooden bowl for her Altar.  The bowl and spoon were hard carved in Africa.  i also got an awesome deal on amazon prime day on artist markers that are watercolor paints inside, and i was thinking i would pack them for her so she can paint while i’m in my Residency classes.  That was Sir Raven’s other Spiritual Birthday gifty.   And i’m over the moon delighted that i will finally (Finally!!) get to hug my incredibly lovely friend in Atlanta.  Sofia, i can hardly wait to cross hugs and mugs of starbucks with you off my bucket list.  We are planning to go to the Aquarium, because the travel channel ranks it as one of the best in the world.  i don’t know what i will see, if anything, but i can take lots of pictures.  Cept no squid pictures, because Nilla!  Oh!  And they have an enormous gift store!  And really, it doesn’t matter what we are doing, i just want to spend time with a soulmate in person.  ❤ Finally at last!