If you have periods in your life that there is a definitive before and after, then you probably know trauma.
If you have spent hours, months, every waking thought buried with how could i have prevented this? how could i not have known this was coming? how come God let this happen to us? Why couldn’t it have been me? what if i had just been there/had traded places/had not been in the wrong place at the wrong time?
And then, finally, the constant questioning goes quiet, but for one, it is always the same question, coming in time with every beat of your heart-why?
You find, over the years, that some things spark the trauma back, breathe life back into the monsters, and bring nightmares. Stress. Exhaustion. Scents. Tastes. Illness.
But its not always what you think, because at least it makes sense to have nightmares when i have been running a fever enough to sweat the entire bed wet for two weeks.
Celebrations. Holidays. Happy moments. The edge of sleep. Movies. Sunshine.
The color yellow.
June, July, and August combine all of these together into one. June and July have holidays, celebrations, memories. August too. It’s our Slavery Super Bowl Season, where my Master gets dark and easily annoyed with me, and i have lots of extremely long days and anxious waits. It is also what i am most happy about, because it just feels fundamentally right to be used very hard. i love that feeling, when i have used every single bit of myself in service. It doesn’t matter to me if it comes from kitchen work, cleaning, fucking, s/m, spirituality, and serving. i love it all.
This year, i cooked for her Godfather’s Spiritual Birthday and Sir Raven’s. Ro was an angel as always, reminded me that i know how to do this and to not get stressed, was around to see exactly why i have to work like mad, and took me shopping. We got to go shop alone, and i felt genuinely honored to be trusted with the task.
In the midst of all of the preparing, i could suddenly hear the music my mother was playing, like i had tuned into her mental radio station, and i couldn’t make it stop. In the shelter, in the private group therapy, one brave woman admitted that she would smell and sense her abuser in the room, and we learned that was a part of a traumatic response born of disassociation. i imagine that the psychic connection with my mother is the same thing. i can’t find anything in the literature about these specific sensations, but i know it is a lot of work to try and tune her out. Make it stop.
And right after the last post, i ended up sobbing and telling Sir Raven that i had a revelation, and i understood how and why she did what she did. It was me. It was my memory problems. It was me.
We also talked about school, and she told me to drop down to one class at a time, which is still full time schedule and then consider some other options.
i want to say how deeply touched i was with everyone’s replies, and also from the overflowing love i felt channelled to me from time to time. i will reply privately to each person, but i just really haven’t had any time at all. It’s been a breakneck pace, and i was extremely sick and have been fighting a nasty infection for a few weeks now. i am way better than i was, because it got so bad i was forced into bed for about 3 or 4 days straight, just getting up to cook and wash dishes and do the basic chores.
This is the 3rd major illness/flare up in the last 11 weeks. Sigh. My classes go so fast that missing a week can fail you, easily. i kept my B until the last two, somehow. i am very stressed about it, but also moving into acceptance that if i have to retake them, so be it. i’m sick. Not much i can do about that. Today is the first quiet day since the Spiritual Celebrations, yesterday i was still wired and unsure if more guests would show up, since a few normal guests were not able to make it out Saturday. This morning, i have been up since 6:45, awash in pain. On the plus side, Sir Raven is home, and i got to make her breakfast in bed. And i’m excited, because i quit getting my nails done, and she is sending me for a pedicure today.
i’ve started making lists for packing for my Residency upcoming, and for MSC right after that. i’m getting excited for both. i’m a bit nervous over the pain spikes at both that will happen, but that is my life, and all i can do is manage the meds i have very carefully so i can take extra those weeks. i always try and buy some gifts specially for Sir Raven on her Spiritual Birthday. This year it was locally harvested fancy honey, and a small wooden bowl for her Altar. The bowl and spoon were hard carved in Africa. i also got an awesome deal on amazon prime day on artist markers that are watercolor paints inside, and i was thinking i would pack them for her so she can paint while i’m in my Residency classes. That was Sir Raven’s other Spiritual Birthday gifty. And i’m over the moon delighted that i will finally (Finally!!) get to hug my incredibly lovely friend in Atlanta. Sofia, i can hardly wait to cross hugs and mugs of starbucks with you off my bucket list. We are planning to go to the Aquarium, because the travel channel ranks it as one of the best in the world. i don’t know what i will see, if anything, but i can take lots of pictures. Cept no squid pictures, because Nilla! Oh! And they have an enormous gift store! And really, it doesn’t matter what we are doing, i just want to spend time with a soulmate in person. ❤ Finally at last!