Balancing Act

Before we left for Residency, i asked Sir Raven to use me.  i also asked her to pack toys specifically and packed her dick myself.  She took it out of the suitcase, determined to control the shit out of packing, as always.  Heh.  She said the suitcase was for “necessary items,” to which i pointed out that this was going to be highly stressful for both of us, particularly me, and these were necessary items.

i was very disappointed in her when i unpacked and there were no toys, no nothing, despite me very clearly saying-several times-this was a need based thing right now.  i had already gone months without, had already dealt with a bunch of stress, and was directly appealing to her for support and for taking care of me.

i was even more disappointed in her when the same thing occurred for the Master slave conference.  Okay, so she packed a single small whip.  She never even told me she had done that and never used it.

i was also really disappointed that the few things we had discussed ahead of time and planned that were meant to be periods of time to have for just us, Daddy and little jade time, if you will-got cancelled.

First, it was the aquarium in Atlanta.  The only day they closed before 9pm was the only day i was out of school obligations before 2pm.  Had Sir Raven looked this up, i wouldn’t have spent a week looking forward to it to just be disappointed.  i looked it up the night before, because they had special tickets after 4pm until closing, and i had wanted to know if i needed to order them online.

Then the swimming pool was literally like an ice cube, and i have had far too many broken bones for that to have been anything but torture.

i cheered myself up by reminding us that the hotel at MSC has an indoor pool.

So, of course, when we got to MSC and i got an offer to go swimming with someone else, Sir Raven jumped at the chance to not be bothered with taking me.  And it hurt, because she had said that she was really disappointed about not getting to watch me swim in Atlanta, and i believed her.

It turned out that the offer didn’t make much sense to involve me that night, and we were going to go swimming the night of the cigar party.  That was after the formal dinner at our house.  Okay. Fine.  i can wait a bit longer, no problem-

except-

After the formal dinner, i started cleaning the kitchen up.  i had asked about doing that and got the okay from the other slaves, and since it was “my” kitchen it made sense for me to get it done anyhow.  Halfway through, i realized my tights were falling off my butt and i sort of hastily pulled them off and took my expensive dress of and replaced it with a regular dress.

Everything finished and my backpack packed with my swimming suit, i was ready to just relax for a bit.  i sat on the floor by Sir Raven, who said, “I’m going to ask you something, and you will say ‘yes.’ Do you have homework?”

Confused, because we had already discussed that earlier and i had everything done that i could actually do at that point, i just did what she told me to and said, “yes.”

“Good.  So you will stay here and do homework, and i will be going out to the Cigar party with the others, since you already took off your nice dress anyhow.”

i tried to explain that i had wanted to go too, and was sad to be excluded since it seemed very clear she didn’t want me to go.  She said that wasn’t true, and either could not or would not see how the way she set the conversation up was the reason why i was feeling this way.  We went a bit round and round then, me unsure of what changing my dress had to do with anything, and her acting a bit miffed as if i was playing some kind of female head game with her.

And so we went, got there, and found it had been cancelled and moved to the next night when none of us would be there.

The next day, i had been looking forward to a return to The Cheesecake Factory, because they had an awesome confetti cake and cheesecake that i had really wanted to try when all of us slaves got to go out to eat along Friday night.  Instead, i had brought back a slice i knew Sir Raven would enjoy with two spoons and ate just two bites before giving her the rest.  Now we were going to return as a large group, and i mentioned several times how i was excited to have the confetti cake.  It got cancelled.

i asked Sir Raven meekly if we could go alone and just have dessert together.  No.

Well, then could we go swimming?  No.

How about some sexy fun times?  No.

Sigh.  How about homework?  There is literally always something i could be reading.

All of these little disappointments build up and rattle around inside me.  It’s very frustrating because i otherwise had a really good time at both events.  There is so much good to say and focus on, and of course i have already done that.  But the little girl inside is really hurt about all of it.  Still.

i’m in another flare with a period, so now its a moot point for another week.

i’m really angry and worn out with the pain.  i’m aware that getting my needs met would reduce those flares.  She is aware that getting my needs met would reduce them too.  i just cannot-just truly cannot-understand why these things go on.

It’s hard for me too because since i promised to not take my little girl self away from her, it means i have to tell her that i’m hurt and disappointed in her.  That isn’t easy.  It feels extremely awkward around other people, for damn sure, but the alternative is that i go numb for a bit and absorb it.  SR has decided that isn’t good for us, so i have to tell her she hurts me.

The last couple days have been 24/7 intense pain, sharp knife like stabbing pain in my back and legs that keep falling asleep.  i’m exhausted, mentally and physically.  Ro cleaned up the kitchen and made lunches last night, and i felt really thankful but also a bit guilty.  When i point out she worked all day, God bless her, she points out that i did too.  And then she shooed me off to bed.  Intellectually, i get that i am needing the rest and sleep now.  Emotionally, i’m too worn out.

So i am getting chores done in bits.  The bedroom is clean, dusted, and Masters bed has fresh sheets.  The bathroom is scrubbed.  The kitchen is decent, though there is some more to be done.  i have a plan for dinner.  i’m going to wrap myself up in a soft blue nap blanket and have my nap bear, Levi, with me.

i knew with the last month of back-to-back crazy going on that i was going to suffer for a long time later.  It could have- and should have -been made better for me by just doing what i needed.  i know i didn’t deserve to be disappointed over things that we had the ability to do.  i know i deserve to feel special.  i do.

Sigh.  It is really hard to feel like i’m worth anything when i ask for her to just hold me and make me feel safe and she won’t.  She blames the fibro, or says she does it when i’m asleep, or some other excuse.  sometimes, i want to point out to her that when i ask her to cuddle me and she rejects me, she is rejecting the  very part of me she claims to love and need the most.  It is an area we need to work on.  She needs to help me balance.

i’ve been pretty terrrorized about Irma hitting Florida, because even though i know i shouldn’t care, my mother is there.  My Bigs are there.  Friends. My grandmother’s house.  Her grave.  My nephews are likely somewhere in Georgia, though of course i don’t know where.  So it was hard.

Florida seems to have mostly pulled through.  Sometimes, when the anxiety gets really high, i resort to checking facebook pages.  Is my brother there?  Is my mother okay?  Sometimes, i look and find nasty surprises.  Enough to remind me that i’m not crazy to never ever consider seeing them again, for any reason.  Enough to let me know that the nightmares are sometimes revving up for a reason, telling me that are not to be trusted to not find some new way to attack, given any chance.

So, i’m trying to feel some compassion for myself in all of this.  The last seven or eight weeks have been very stressful, and i’m trying to be kind to myself, trying to do the things that make me feel comfortable right now-even if it is eat ice cream or take extra pain meds.  Time for a nap so i can get some work done for school.  If i can manage to get enough done, maybe i will have time for a walk in the gardens before dinner.

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10 thoughts on “Balancing Act

  1. Ira says:

    Im glad at least most of the time was good for you. I know the pain you get in and wish I could help you like I used to. Your Bigs made it through the storm just fine. We lost power for about 30 hours but otherwise no problem. We live in a brand new building not even a tree fell over. We miss you and maybe some day we can visit or you can visit us it would be lot’s of fun. We love you…. Your one and only Bigs ❤

  2. David says:

    Checked “like”, but that means I am concerned about your well-being. Take care of yourself.

  3. boi-princess says:

    {{{{{{{ hugs}}}}}}}} I’m with your friend David on this, I am concerned for your well being, and my heart hurts for you, wish I knew how to fix all that for you, but I don’t, maybe you should squirrel away some money and when you can go visit and be with your Bigs for a well-deserved break, and to reconnect with yourself, please please take care yourself my sweet sissi
    much love
    leslianne xoxo

    • jadescastle says:

      i didn’t mean to worry you. i am okay. Right now, we need to get caught back up financially. However, SR and i are prioritizing setting some money aside for fun trips in the future. So, we shall see. i don’t think she would send me alone to the Bigs, unless i was breaking down again, and i really hope that doesn’t happen. i don’t know if that would even be a good thing for them, truthfully. Hugs. Thanks for understanding me, sissi. ❤

      • boi-princess says:

        I do understand you, and I would never speak up unless I am truly concerned, I do not want to offend you or your Sir and you know that. xoxoxo

  4. olivia says:

    I hate this for you so much i want to call SR and ask her what the hell she’s thinking!! (That’s a really mild version of what i was thinking when i read this yesterday.) Sigh. And know that’s not really helpful and not what you want or need. So, fine. Just sending love and healing energy. ❤

    • jadescastle says:

      We also missed the breakfast with Laura antinou that we paid for and was something else I really wanted. I thought we were going until late the night before. And I thought this would finally-finally!-be the year I get something special from MSC. I was still hoping for cuffs but there was nothing SR liked for me. I found something special for her to surprise her with, and had to be a wee bit sneaky to surprise her. It’s just little girl sad things and lots of them over a three week span so I’m kinda hurt. It will pass. Thanks for caring and loving me when I don’t feel all that lovable.

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