i never intended for writing here to be a sort of diary. i had thought that we might write on specific topics, giving our thoughts. Even though Sir Raven and i generally arrive at the same conclusion, we have different paths to get to the same destination, so to speak. The reason, ultimately, that i decided to be more loose with it was simply that a lot of what i have read about M/s relationships over the years that has been helpful to me and provided me with lightbulb moments was anecdotal in nature.
Also, our relationship is M/s and CNC. So…it stands to reason that whatever it is we end up talking/writing about circles back to that. i also wanted to be open and honest. i tend to censor a bit about what could potentially be hurtful or does not paint a person in the best light possible. Except for myself…cause God knows i just put that right on out there.
The first friend of Sir Raven’s that i met here back in July pointed out that she reads the blog and i felt really humbled when she said she found it helpful. Seriously, this woman is the absolutely epitome of a Lady and i wondered how many times i may have used flagrant language. i write for Sir Raven first…and then for myself….but its always nice to hear that it helps someone else as well. That was our intent and i do try to be earnest in anything i undertake in life, including this.
Anyhow, you know how when you meet a person and feel an instant warmth and connection for them? i felt that for her…that has always been a rare and precious gift in life. i was delighted to see her at MasT and when she warmly embraced me and said, “welcome back. Welcome home,” her message wasn’t lost on me. Friends are the family that you choose and it means the world to have been accepted by the people who matter most to Sir Raven. It makes me aware that i’m not walking this Earth alone anymore. i had done so for most of my life so its really meaningful to me to be accepted by them. And….honestly…..they are each fine people so if i wasn’t right for Sir Raven…they would have made it known. Nicely. But still. 🙂
There are some things i want to get to but don’t have my thoughts together well enough to post yet. It will have to wait, i guess.
Sir Raven did end up buying those steamer trunks and i’ve been stuck inside all day waiting for UPS to show up. i have laundry to do and some errands to run and though this is a late night for her coming home, i’d rather have been out by now. i teased her that she is nesting, which she denied for about five minutes. Steamer trunks and plans for shelves sounds like nesting to me. Giggles.
Anyhow, i wish they would hurry up and get here. Or call. Or something.
On the way to the MasT meetings, Sir Raven mentioned my reluctance in how i respond in meeting people. She tried to describe exactly what she was meaning and two guys came on the train, began blasting music and doing some kind of dancing-gymnastic-breakdance routine, replete with them shouting and clapping over the music. And then, of course, they ask for money. i figure there is worse stuff one could be doing with their time but its overwhelmingly intrusive. Trains are often full but can be rather quiet. In blasts this extremely loud stuff happening and then i cannot see the dancing. Its just sort of fast motions of colors with feet that seem impossibly close to my face. Its overwhelming though i’m trying to be pleasant. When they leave Sir Raven says i was making the face she was trying to describe and we therefore worked out that i’m not actually an uncaring, unpleasant bitch but am overwhelmed by the wall of noise. The gaggle of unidentifiable people. And people who feel like its fine to just grab my hand though i don’t see them reaching out to touch me. Sometimes, i am trying to look for their hand moving out to shake hands but depending on the amount of lighting or floaters or other eye issues…..the end result is just being touched by a stranger without the subtle clues that would normally warn a person that this would happen. To add to this….i am overwhelmed at times by groups of energy, bad lighting that blinds me, and the discomfort people feel when they meet someone disabled. It doesn’t help when they begin to speak very loudly, as if i’m deaf. And i’m feeling their discomfort, trying to not make them feel worse somehow. i’m just not good with that whole mix of stuff.
i’m good with being touched when its people i know. Honestly, people that have spent years in the scene are generally polite enough to ask Sir Raven before they touch me. Though this is meant as a courtesy to Sir Raven, i benefit as well because i am expecting to be touched….and its far nicer than to have someone just grab me or my hands. i’m a lefty so my white cane is in my right hand. i can see how this might be complicated for others because this means i cannot really shake without enough notice to take it off my wrist and change hands. Anyhow….the point is that Sir Raven brought it to my attention and i need to work on seeming more pleasant with strangers. Evidently, i’m okay the second time i meet someone but not the first. Frankly, it sounds like i’m a person with Autism to hear her explain it. Nothing wrong with a person having that….but geeze. i don’t want to come off like i don’t care. It is not that….i am just overwhelmed at times and also shy and terrible at a lot of normal things.
Its a source of humor to me that i am universally described as “intelligent and charming” or “charming and intelligent” depending on who you ask. Sir Raven told me once that the reason i’m charming is because i’m so smart and so ackward at the same time. And then she kind of laughed and told me that she had not ever intended to say that. It was fine. i can’t and won’t let my ego get in the way of making myself better for her. There is no point in letting myself get hurt.
Mostly i do succeed at this. When comments do hurt i try and consider the intent behind them. Or…you know…if its actually true. Her comments about the size of my ass, for example. It happens to be true. Sometimes, i turn to her a bit weary and ask if i was unclear on the fact that this would never change about me. For a while there, i had a knee jerk reaction to her asking if i did pilates or yoga or whatever because of the comments.
Speaking of yoga and pilates…..i’ve got to change how i’m looking at this. i’m having some excessive pain issues at the moment stemming from a serious (read: life threatening) car accident a few years ago. Unfortunately, its a mid-back spasming/pain issue and so every yoga pose and just getting on my back to do stomach crunches is rough. Very rough. i need to look at it like a challenge. i need to somehow change how i’m looking at it. Because this is really not so very different from other things in our life. i’m tired of begging myself to do it every day. i don’t like her asking and me admitting that i didn’t/couldn’t do it. It’s not that she coming home and punishing me or something. i don’t want to misrepresent that. (Frankly, that would be easier in a lot of ways. Instead, i feel like i failed her and am mad at myself. Sometimes, i’m mad at her for wanting me to do something when she cannot understand how unbelieveably painful it is. Which is just stupid on my part because ultimately its a good thing for me to do and i know that. Then i’m mad at myself for even momentarily getting mad at her because its not fair of me). This is the only thing in our relationship that….seriously…..sounds like a parent and child in some kind of struggle. i think its because the pain from doing this things and the fear around it makes me not terribly rational. Because when its not off-the-charts-painful, we don’t have an issue. Its like any other thing….she tells me to do it and i do it. i have fears around it as well because i have had my back go out before and ended up basically stuck on the floor. i know though that the more i do nothing, the worse it will be. And, frankly, it doesn’t really matter if it hurts or i’m scared. It doesn’t matter when she is beating me. Not for her and not for me either. It doesn’t matter to me in a sensual sense or even a sexual one. So its up to me to shift my thinking and fix myself.
Part of the fear is that i have literally been bed bound for days unable to move or bend. This would mean that i would be taking muscle relaxers and sleeping. Worse, it would mean that i couldn’t serve her in our normal ways. Sir Raven is absolutely a gentleman and does what she can for me when i can’t do it for myself….like when i’m in a strange environment and i can’t find the bathroom or can’t get to food in a sea of people. i think that she would likely do much of what she does with a sighted person as well. But in any environment i know well and especially at home, i quite literally wait on her hand and foot. We are both happy that way. i have to work on the inside to not get frustrated in public when she ends up getting my drink or snack and just appreciate her generosity. i must say also that much of life, to me, is about having gratitude. i have a lot of gratitude for Sir Raven and for her close friends, who also offer to help me and ask what i need. Certainly, i really appreciate it.
And i appreciate my Owner, for caring enough to ask me about the things that are hardest for me every day. i could not do my hardest work in life if she didn’t care enough to ask….really ask….and keep asking. For that and so many other things…..thank you. i will always search myself and offer you the best i have. i will always be greatful for the life you allow me.
i love you.