In my meditations, i remembered something important. When i felt very uncomfortable charging for giving psychic readings, the producer reminded me that people value what they pay for and put work into. If i gave away my readings for free, it would inherently carry less meaning for the receiver, because of how we link together what is valuable with what we have put time, effort, money, work into.
In Yoruban tradition, kitchen help that works hard is given a little envelope with money, as a way of showing that the Priests valued the help given. It allows you to have extra to put toward your own practice. i used mine to buy more white candles for Sir Raven’s Altar, but anything that meets the needs of the Priest is just fine.
i would have been happy to give readings and work an Ocha kitchen for free, and felt funny about attaching anything to my service. Likewise, i am happy to serve Sir Raven and not have expectations in return.
However, my part in not getting OUR needs met as a couple is in not making my efforts valuable and not expecting anything in return. i taught Sir Raven to enjoy the same service, the same warmth, the same work-no matter what she didn’t do. She benefitted in the short term, of course, but in the long run it did both of us a huge disservice. Sir Raven may dislike the idea of touch, sex, s/m, or asking how i am actually doing on occasion-but she responds to these things. She behaves in ways that are freer, happier, and her body releases oxytocin just like any other human when she gets physical attention.
So, just like my work in Yoruba and my work in Spirituality, i must value myself enough to insist that i am cared for in return.
This weekend was really great. i had to drop off my poor macbook with a virus that kept frustrating me to death at geek squad on maybe Thursday. Sir Raven had come home early, and i suggested she spend a few hours chilling and then we could go out to eat and get my laptop fixed. She started not feeling well, so we just came home. i’ve been taking care of her for days-making sure she ate, drank lots of orange juice and emergen-c, took cold meds, had clean sheets on her bed, and she let me rub vics all on her back at night. She is feeling much better, which is great.
We did talk, shortly. She agreed that the main issue is that when it comes to me she is lazy and selfish and acknowledged that i’m out of patiently waiting for change because i’ve been doing that for years. She said she made a list for herself-of things she needs to work on. She didn’t share the list with me, but did acknowledge that she needed to be responsible for us, too. We also both agreed that the only way it could actually work for me to get out needs met outside the relationship wouldn’t fix our underlying issues, and could create other problems for her because she would loose a lot of control. Control is her drug of choice, so i guess she will be making changes, and i will be supporting her in them.
We went together to pick up my laptop late yesterday afternoon, finally. It was a real pain for both of us that i had to try and work on her laptop instead, which was cumbersome. i came home and made chili with black beans and corn, and Sir Raven surprised me with asking if i wanted to play. After the stress of the week, it was a huge relief. She started with her strap, which i noticed calmed me almost immediately and allowed me to take quite a bit of her canes and other sharper pain, which is pretty important since we have not played in months. We both really enjoyed it, i felt her sigh while using the strap on me, like her body finally relaxed after holding her breath for a long time. i think my hunch was right on all accounts to ask for that awhile back. We both needed the strap to connect us together in a way that the rest of the toys just can’t do.
Today, i can still feel her efforts, so it should be an interesting ride into Manhattan. i’m super thankful for her efforts today, because its humid and raining and i’m feeling a million times better than i generally do during this kind of weather. i’m also just plain feeling loved, taken care of, and relaxed. Thank you, Master. ❤