In my meditations, i remembered something important.  When i felt very uncomfortable charging for giving psychic readings, the producer reminded me that people value what they pay for and put work into.  If i gave away my readings for free, it would inherently carry less meaning for the receiver, because of how we link together what is valuable with what we have put time, effort, money, work into.

In Yoruban tradition, kitchen help that works hard is given a little envelope with money, as a way of showing that the Priests valued the help given.  It allows you to have extra to put toward your own practice.  i used mine to buy more white candles for Sir Raven’s Altar, but anything that meets the needs of the Priest is just fine.

i would have been happy to give readings and work an Ocha kitchen for free, and felt funny about attaching anything to my service.  Likewise, i am happy to serve Sir Raven and not have expectations in return.

However, my part in not getting OUR needs met as a couple is in not making my efforts valuable and not expecting anything in return.  i taught Sir Raven to enjoy the same service, the same warmth, the same work-no matter what she didn’t do.   She benefitted in the short term, of course, but in the long run it did both of us a huge disservice.  Sir Raven may dislike the idea of touch, sex, s/m, or asking how i am actually doing on occasion-but she responds to these things.  She behaves in ways that are freer, happier, and her body releases oxytocin just like any other human when she gets physical attention.

So, just like my work in Yoruba and my work in Spirituality, i must value myself enough to insist that i am cared for in return.

This weekend was really great.  i had to drop off my poor macbook with a virus that kept frustrating me to death at geek squad on maybe Thursday.  Sir Raven had come home early, and i suggested she spend a few hours chilling and then we could go out to eat and get my laptop fixed.  She started not feeling well, so we just came home.  i’ve been taking care of her for days-making sure she ate, drank lots of orange juice and emergen-c, took cold meds, had clean sheets on her bed, and she let me rub vics all on her back at night.  She is feeling much better, which is great.

We did talk, shortly.  She agreed that the main issue is that when it comes to me she is lazy and selfish and acknowledged that i’m out of patiently waiting for change because i’ve been doing that for years.  She said she made a list for herself-of things she needs to work on.  She didn’t share the list with me, but did acknowledge that she needed to be responsible for us, too.  We also both agreed that the only way it could actually work for me to get out needs met outside the relationship wouldn’t fix our underlying issues, and could create other problems for her because she would loose a lot of control.  Control is her drug of choice, so i guess she will be making changes, and i will be supporting her in them.

We went together to pick up my laptop late yesterday afternoon, finally.  It was a real pain for both of us that i had to try and work on her laptop instead, which was cumbersome.  i came home and made chili with black beans and corn, and Sir Raven surprised me with asking if i wanted to play.  After the stress of the week, it was a huge relief.  She started with her strap, which i noticed calmed me almost immediately and allowed me to take quite a bit of her canes and other sharper pain, which is pretty important since we have not played in months.  We both really enjoyed it, i felt her sigh while using the strap on me, like her body finally relaxed after holding her breath for a long time.  i think my hunch was right on all accounts to ask for that awhile back.  We both needed the strap to connect us together in a way that  the rest of the toys just can’t do.

Today, i can still feel her efforts, so it should be an interesting ride into Manhattan.  i’m super thankful for her efforts today, because its humid and raining and i’m feeling a million times better than i generally do during this kind of weather.  i’m also just plain feeling loved, taken care of, and relaxed.  Thank you, Master. ❤


In Service To

We hear a lot of how the slave is in service to their owner/master, today I thought I would talk about the service of the master. this varies from master to master but the ones that I know all talk about how we perform service. Our service is to the household.

Masters, if you don’t know make decisions that benefit the house, even if we don’t like them, even when things need to get done. We serve the house. Yesterday I wrote how the girl  was not  allowed out due to the weather.  So, the laundry didn’t get done, and although I knew we would need a few groceries that might not happen as well. The girl needed a new phone and the one I ordered didn’t meet my needs for her and I had one day to return it and decide on a new one. As she is legally blind I need her to have something that has accessibility as a feature. There’s one phone that will give her the freedom I want her to have and that is the iphone.

Oy !

I was a bit feverish and the girl had a bad night which means I had a bad night, but I had to hit the road and get to the sprint store.  I spoke to a few people who have iphones and did some reading, so while on the bus I went over in my head again the pros and cons of this soon to be purchase.  I don’t want her to be robbed-the iphone is the most stolen phone and for good reason. I need for her to feel safe while out using it all while making sure she has the means to interact with the world and give her the independence she deserves and needs. After all my mastery is about lifting her up, which is really all about me. 🙂  Now I have to find a bag that is practical enough for all the things she carries and her new phone. Then I have to control the fuck out of how she need to set it up as not to whip it out and fumble around just to answer it. That’s a post for another time.

Since the girl was home bound for the day, on my way home I wanted to pick up a few things but kept feeling like I was going to throw up, so I walks the long way home to check out the sidewalks to the supermarket and got my ass home.

Now she has an iphone which starts a whole new adventure with her learning how to use it. I had to explain to her that she’s in service to me and Siri is in service to her. LOL Buying this means that I had to dip into our reserve budget and will have to sacrifice some things next month, yep I’m also in charge of the budget for the house. Every two weeks there is money transferred to the house account card that the girl uses for all thing pertaining to the house. Every morning during winter as part of my morning walk to the bus to work, I report on how the sidewalks and street are. And make the decision if she can go out. There are times as you, the reader may know that I tell her to stay in and rest. In the morning our talk while we have morning coffee she informs me of what she needs to do for the day. I may veto some things and doing that, I know there are things that are not going to get accomplished, she serves me and I serve the house and that means I have to suck somethings up, and hate it.

Yep I know some may think she does all the sucking, but nope. 🙂

High Shine

This past weekend the girl and I got to schmooze with some movers and shakers. There’s a great project that I’m a part of called

“We Are Leather Women” the photographer Carmella put together an event  of brunch and then we all went to Cinkink to view a documentary High Shine 15 years of IMsLBB. The International Ms. Leather and Book Black is a contest out of California that goes on during the International Ms. Leather contest. During brunch, we go to meet a lot of the bootblacks in the doc. Bootblacks came from all over Philly, Atlanta, Chicago and Cali as well  as the NY bootblacks. We even had a few of our brethren title holder come out to support. It was good to see some people I haven’t seen for a long while. The conversation was as great as the food and it was well worth getting up to leave the house at 7:30 am. The girl was charming as usual and it was good to see her strike up conversations with people she didn’t know and learning about what they do in the community. It was important since there hasn’t been anything like this in NY for a good long time. I love bootblack and this was the right kind of encouragement the girl needed. Hearing from other people that because she is legally blind she could never hope to care for leathers. Screw that noise!

Screw that noise!

It was also nice to see Kardia mingle with folks as well, I’m glad she didn’t run away last year, if she had we would have lost a friend and our family wouldn’t have a bootblack of our own.

After brunch, we all headed over to the theatre for the screening. It was a great history lesson on bootblack and female bootblacks, in particular. After the showing, we had a lovely walk back to the train station and had a lovely Saturday evening dredged having to go to MAsT Sunday. But we were up bright and early for that. The day was long, but I’m glad we went the girl had more than a mouth full to say. There was a young lady who really needed help and as per our MAsT group the slaves rallied. That’s what is so important about groups like MAsT, it’s not about learning a skill of throwing a whip but the skill of how we live our M/s.

As with every Monday for us introverts after  MAsT we both were fired.It  snowed the night before and the girl was out of smokes, so I went out to get her some and check on just how much snow was still on the ground. The sidewalks were clear, but the streets and curbs were treacherous. Making the decision for the girl to stay in, she reminded me that laundry had to be done. That was vetoed along with getting wine or other necessities.

When I got home at 8pm I did my usual which is, wait by the door for the girl to take my coat. Nothing, I realized that she was sleeping it had been a long weekend and although I could smell candles I knew she did her chores in the house and  needed rest.

Poor baby girl.

Slave circle

The post below was written way back when the girl made her final move and came back to me. The draft was saved January 7, 2013.

Sunday was the first real (by real I mean she was here to stay) MaST meeting the girl, and I attended together. She has attended two in the past, one on abuse in a M/s relationship the other was our group’s annual party. But this meeting she had the opportunity to have the benefit of experiencing the slave circle. Which we in the master circle think is like being in the mob. The wall of silence is deafening, as well it should be. I’m glad that she is making friends and talking with people. I make it a point to introduce her, but most times I forget and folks have been really nice to introduce themselves and chat her up.

One thing that I admire about her is her integrity to keep someone’s confidence even when it comes to me. A certain someone that she met through me was having a hard time, and they were able to talk with her about it. When I inquired about it she answered all my questions about how they were doing, but when I asked about a certain topic, she didn’t lie about what they talked about, but instead made mention what she liked about the slave circle at a MaST meeting. I got the inference, basically mind my beeswax. And that was the end of that conversation. I didn’t press her and really didn’t want to, but was kinda proud that even with me she would stick to her guns on certain matters.

So, yep the slave circle has infiltrated my home.

We talked later about the meeting, and I was glad to hear she enjoyed it. I know that she had been told on occasion in the past that a person is not a slave with out a master, although I’m not sure if that held true by those folks for the flip side? In any event I look forward to attending the meetings with her and maybe by the summer she’ll have something to say, since lord knows she has an opinion.

Although we live in a big city you would think we’d have opportunities flowing out the wazoo? But there are very few if little to none opportunities for those of us living this dynamic. Sure there are plenty of parties and places where you can see what I like to call the “show” or the “shiny stuff” that keeps folks entertained. But you hardly come across folks other then at MaST that walk the talk.

I’ve often thought of creating a group for masters invite only to come together and fellowship outside of MaST. But then I think if you come to a meeting and don’t find at least one person you can talk with outside of MaST then you may not be trying hard enough. It’s still something I’m thinking about.

Six more weeks of winter, oh myyyy

It’s been a winter wonderland here in our little part of the world, the girl had been benched with all the snow. I tend to make sure she stays in because of the ice and that fact that she can’t see the color white. It would seem to those looking in that I’m keeping her away from the things that she usually does, but it’s part of me taking care of her. Do I want the laundry done, wine bought or food in the house? Hell yeah, but her safety comes first. so while I brave the elements and shop for food, buy cigs etc for us she complains that she should be doing these things.

The first Sunday of the month is our MAsT meeting, and we had a great time, the weather was wonderful and although the groundhog did say there would be six more weeks of winter we had no idea that it would kick in on Monday. 🙂 way to go groundhog. 🙂 I was really surprised at the meeting when she kicked off the discussion. She is a wealth of information and I’m always so proud of her when she puts it out there, although she’s a TNGer she has a lot of life experience and finally after a year or  more of attending the meeting I think, she is starting to feel that the meeting is home to her. Before she really settled in here I know she must have thought what most people do about the big city. There must be thousands of things to attend? But the M/s community is very small here, unless you want to party all the time, conversing and being around folks who live the life and talk the talk of M/s the pickings are small. MAsT is one of the only places where we can be around people that are like us, and we live for the first Sunday of the month.

On a side note, the girl has had a few bad pain days, and I had to clamp down on her to take it easy, to rest and focus on her school work. To me that’s more important then having wine in the house and so what if I have to have a sandwich for diner. I remember hearing LS talking about sitting in a MAsT meeting and hearing the male masters talk about how their slave was sick, and they had to wash dishes. OY, big whoop!

As she wrote it was my birthday and I don’t like a lot of fuss, after all I’m not a spring chicken, I’m an old bird or as a few of us call ourselves chicken hawks. But the girl did get me a few things which I’m over the moon about. Cufflinks with book pages from pride nad prejudice and a steampunk pocket watch, how cool is that?

cuffs and watch

God Bless The Child

I’ve been getting my house in order in more ways than one lately. I’ve had some repairs that needed attention for sometime, and it didn’t look like it was going to be taken care of any time soon. These things were not something the girl should do, not because she’s a girl, but because she’s my girl. I  made a call to the supper letting her know that I wanted to be the first one to have my apartment inspected. and like magic things got done. The kitchen sink which leaked due to the faucet was replaced for 20 dollars., and the pipes were tightened under the sink. The toilet  flushes properly now as well. The organizer that I bought for the girl to keep her toiletries in order was missing two hooks, and just looked sad. I went and brought her a new one. Overall the cost to me was 12 dollars and car fare. But things need to be done. The girl does a great job with making our home a home, but it’s my job to maintain it and not wait and see if things will get done. Lesson learned.

I often say it’s the little things that impress me, but sometimes I impress myself. God bless the child that has her own.

If You Prick Me, Do I not Bleed?

I was listening to a podcast over at The Perverted Negress , yes you read that right, were Mollena and JP from Canada were talking about why tops don’t blog. Their theory was very enlightening once you get past them derailing from the topic of transparency. Some of what they had to say was in line with how I thought about the subject of why tops(male) don’t blog more. But I go farther with my theory. I believe we don’t get to read from the top side because most things that are written is very sexualized. and by most I mean the few that I’ve come *across. They not only have a lot of ass fucking going on, but a lot of dick sucking, which of course comes after the ass whipping. Which I’m totally for, but the top might be setting themselves up to be charged with assault. If a sadist top writes how they tied up, duct taped and then beat the shit out of the bottom and at some later date the bottom and the top have a falling out, said top might be charged with assault if the bottom leads the powers that be to the blog.

Yes the same blog that the top has been writing about all the deadly things they have been doing to them. Of course a disclaimer could be posted saying the blog is intended for entertainment, which is one way of covering your ass. I can totally understand this reasoning for not writing, but then there’s the other part of my theory. I haven’t come across many blogs where the top is writing about the emotional stuff. Now I know you’re reading this, and you might be thinking, “hey you don’t do much writing here on your own blog, pot calling the kettle black?” And you’re right, I was asked about that to which I replied I write all the time. And I do, I’ve been keeping a journey in one form or another since I was 20 years old. And all of my writing is in my journey, which I carry in my bag.

I have thought that I might copy some of what I write in my book, then I thought I might ask the girl to transcribe it, but that would mean I’d have to send it to her via email, which means I might as well write it for myself, which means…yeah it stays in the book.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about the emotional stuff, shit happens as masters we feel and have feeling. and for me as an introvert I have a lot going on in my head. I have no problem thinking about it, and then talking about it with the girl. Further more in my defence I don’t hink I ever wrote about tying the girl up duct taping her mouth and beating the shit out of her, then making her suck my dick,

Which now that I’ve written this sounds like sounds like a great idea.