i have found joy in surrender.
It is in everything that i do, with softness and respect.
My path was to see how trying to hide my feelings and focus on all the work and doing that well-it just wasn’t working. i had to reopen myself to her, abandon hope for anything different, and find the joy in what is. i had to look at it from a different angle, look at everything from a different angle.
i express gratitude and love every day to my Master, and i always have. Now, in addition to asking her if she always feels loved, always feels adored, i also ask if she always feels respected. i ask her these three questions about once every six weeks or so. These questions guide me daily.
i ask to invite conversation, to see what i can do better, to be certain that love and respect shine through my actions.
In return, Sir Raven is showing me love in spades. i enjoy the hours we spend just sitting in the same room, enjoy watching her relax. She is far more attentive and understanding, when i tell her i am sick and ask for help. Sir Raven has cooked meals, washed dishes, and put a lot of effort into doing things she talked about doing for years. That final point means everything to me. The hutch is stunning, yes. But it is also the fulfillment of a promise made several years ago.
When i told her the pain was more than i could bear, that i needed her attention, and reminded her that the first concept she introduced me to was her demand that i tell her what i need, how much vulnerability that takes, how much damage happened from being ignored-
and she acts.
She takes in the information, quietly. There is no anger in my approach, just honestly asking for help. A few minutes later, she simply tells me to go in the bedroom and pulls down her whips. i struggle through taking it, my body is out of practice, and this kind of pain was very rare. Our previous bedroom wasn’t really big enough, and the pain is so sharp and intense. My wetness proves my need for her.
And wonder of wonders-
When i beg, tell her i cannot possibly get her dick inside me myself, she slams it in hard. For a moment, i thought i might black out, because the pain is so intense. It is exactly what i need-to be open, fully vulnerable, unable to control myself or my reactions, needing her force, needing her. She tells me to hold it in, which is a nightmare, because i am small and tight and have been kept celibate for years. My body wants to force it out, but she goes from whipping my tender bits to slamming it back in me.
Emotionally, i’d prefer to be on my knees with her in my mouth and then having her ruthlessly fuck me from behind. Physically, this kind of force has its charms. She is free to watch me in abject pain, mixing with pleasure and need. And, of course, she can expertly make her long whip sear pain through me.
The next morning, for the first time in weeks, i wake without a headache, without that constant pain at the base of my skull.
i feel more peaceful, and thank her. Everything good comes from her for me. For days, i felt bruised inside and loved every second of it. i can hardly say how much i need her, her force, and the joy that comes from surrendering.
Thank you, Master, with all my heart. ❤