i’m feeling a bit lonely and empty tonight. Sir Raven is asleep, and hearing her snore lightly from bed makes me smile. i wish she was up, and was able to comfort me. In many ways, i have learned to associate comfort with just her mere presence in the room with me.
i’ve been feeling a bit emotional lately. i think the overwhelming stress going on for months, followed by the last two or three weeks in a flare, the pressure of needing to nail an A in both classes i had to retake, money, and changes within our family of choice has all built up.
While out at a nearby Mexican restaurant, the topic of the choice to vacate the nest by one of our tribe came up. Specifically, the fact that i have reached out several times via text, and how it was wrong of me. Or, anyhow, that was the message i got.
i remembered sitting in the Residency class on Grief and Atonement, and the lecturer said that the closer the grief comes to trauma, one loss is the same thing as all loss. That is, when we have experienced grief associated with trauma, even a smaller sense of loss will cause us to revisit the earlier grief.
So maybe it makes sense my brother has been on my mind, the sad and dejected man, the evil fuck who i woke up to with a gun and crazy glazed over eyes, standing over us with a double barrel shot gun one morning. If i had not had my glasses on and fallen asleep on the sofa with my mother nearby, and had not caught a glimpse of him, and not been able to react quickly by waking and acting like i never saw the gun or his vacant expression, he would have killed us. He is also who i called after an impromptu visit to our childhood home, waking him at 7am in another state, and having him answer the phone and know exactly where i was. He had no reason to know i was there, except our own bond. i can remember clearly the last time i saw him, he was leaving my oceanfront apartment and heading back to Tennessee. He wanted to gift me with a pit bull, one he assured me would “take care of” anyone who abused me ever again. i was already trying to figure out how to get away, and trying to figure out how to take a puppy with me was just too much. We kissed each other on the lips, his eyes registering hurt in leaving me there.
My mind is throwing up memories like that lately, Like i’m the unwilling Princess of Tides. That is what my mother called me. In “The Prince of Tides,” we learn of child abuse and love through Tom Wingo’s eyes, in flashbacks so benign to my mind, i would have simply called them “memories.”
For me, “flashbacks” were full out disassociations, sucked into a black hole, with no sense of current time. i keep myself tightly controlled, and clearly ask for what i need, and won’t let that happen again.
i really hate this. i don’t like being emotional, of having to tell myself-gently-ten times a day, “You don’t have to think about this right now.” The hurricane threatening the people that used to be my family really hurt me. i felt helpless, realizing all over again that nothing will ever change anything with them, and that i have nothing to offer them anymore.
i hate the physical pain, which is exhausting and mentally draining. My doctor refused to write a letter for the school, for me to not have to repay for classes, and i am feeling a bit betrayed.
i’ve been keeping the house nearly immaculate, despite it all. i’ve been keeping grades to a B. i’m trying.
i know-for sure-that part of what i need is to be acknowledged as a woman, as a passionate human being, as someone worth being held and treated special, and being able to just cry it all out as she beats it out of me. i know that the eventual outcome of not having those needs end up with my pain.
i’m also a bit stressed that my doctor has ordered another MRI, this one for my mid back, which was damaged by the wreck my brother caused and by other abusive shit done to me over the years. The good thing is this time i know that Sir Raven will refuse surgery for it, because she already did that for my neck. It is just too risky. i don’t think there could be anything going on that would be as scary as finding out about my neck damage, the multiple places my spinal cord is being pushed on all of the time. And we survived that intact.
i’m just wishing that we would devote time to our needs as a couple consistently. It would help a lot for me right now. i ask, i send sexy texts, inviting. There is nothing more i can do but wait and focus on trying to be a good slave for her.
Fall weather should come back again soon, and that is always welcomed. i can’t wait for us to take cool walks in the botanical gardens, ride the tram and see all of the changes, and the sense that everything is full of possibilities in the air once again.