i’ve got a bit on my mind. Some really good, some not.
i’m really thankful that i am on a break from classes. It’s a short break, they always are, but it helps to just be able to breathe a bit.
It has been healing balm to have time to chat with friends at length. It has been really nice that Sir Raven has asked me most days if i am resting, and she has just jumped in and helped out with extras. She made my favorite dinner she makes yesterday. Her chicken tenders and waffles are the best.
It was nice to meet Karida for lunch last week, and make it in to Pandora to have my bracelet cleaned. It had gotten bad and needed a steam cleaning, which Pandora does for free. i am really looking forward to be able to wear it again soon.
i have been able to read my text books for my new class without the pressure of needing to work at the same time. i got one the day after my classes ended, and these chapters must be incredibly long because despite hours a day reading, i have only made it to chapter four. Sir Raven and i had a giggle, because my fire tells me a location, which sounds like a really impressive thing when the page number isn’t. Heh. My font is huge, so that accounts for it, but it is funny.
i work when school is out reading the last texts, and new ones, so i’m prepared.
Sir Raven has been super about reminding me to take breaks, and was really nice about it when i asked for a day with Karida and to go to the zoo Friday. i haven’t been to the zoo since i lived in Tennessee, and i don’t know what i will be able to see. Wait. i did go once in Florida with Sir, and scared everyone by nearly feeding the giraffe my hand on accident.
On the other side-
i have decided to rename Express Scripts the PONY EXPRESS scripts. Guess who messed up meds again? Yep. This time, it’s worse, because it is Sir Raven’s meds. Make me sick four times? Okay. Fine. Forget her meds? i want to start a war. Mad mother bear alert. Of course, Sir Raven expects pleasant and i do it through gnashed teeth. It won’t help her for me to rant and rave because that will raise her blood pressure for sure. Sigh.
They also messed up my meds again. Damn them. So i’m not feeling great.
In other news, sometimes things that really upset me take me forever to be able to talk about, if at all. Over Christmas, i checked facebook for pictures of my boys. What i found instead was my mother having a conversation with my kidnapper. One where they were telling each other Merry Christmas, how they love each other, using old family names we had for each other. Names that suggest a continued level of familial intimacy.
As a result, nightmares surface. Sometimes, it is a physical thing that ends up doing it. Like my foot and ankle that couldn’t handle the weight of the heavy chain, and sometimes aches from a fracture i caused when i tried hysterically to get it off. In high humidity, rain, snow-i feel it. Sometimes enough that it effects my walking. i can’t do anything about it, but be glad that it never lasts in a ton of pain longer than a few days. That can be enough, though, to start the nightmares.
As it turns out, going off meds cold turkey every time the express scripts messes up seems to cause a brief increase in nightmares too. It’s a known side effect from withdraw from cymbalta.
Certainly, under expressed anger does it too.
The whole thing just makes me feel bad. Sir Raven works hard to provide some of the best insurance anyone can have. So this dumb change to being forced to get meds mailed is the one bad thing. i know it makes her feel super bad, and so i try really hard to not let her know i’m suffering. It’s damn sure not her fault.
The nightmares, additional pain, and being afraid to leave the house because i can’t miss our meds being delivered isn’t ideal. i get so mad that it seems like i just can’t ever have a break that doesn’t contain some bs.
The other thing that is making nightmares kick up is the sort of small bit of depression that feels familiar. This one time, when i really understood that i was going to have no way to try and run from Dawn, i sort of sank into something like this. i spent three days crying. i just couldn’t stop. Something felt….broken inside.
It was like i felt a strange sense of relief then, and i settled into just trying to not give her any possible reason to ever get upset. i stopped thinking of the ocean some fifty steps away. i stopped thinking about wanting anything. i stopped thinking about my boys, my dog, and anything else that i wasn’t going to have, anything else about a life where i knew love, warmth, freedom, or hope. It helped. i quit crying, quit fighting it inside, and sort of let myself sink in to what was. All of those thoughts of outside life were hurting me.
And i don’t know exactly why, but i moved back into an acceptance. It feels like letting yourself sink into the deep end of the pool, when it is warm and silent, without any urge to surface.
It doesn’t feel bad.
i think it started when SR took my hands into hers, and told me this move was happening, and there wasn’t going to be another option.
i had just found out that the Address Confidentiality Program was threatening to ban me from using their program, because i got mail that wasn’t responded to. My safety felt threatened.
There are also the fears about school, as i’m reaching the point where i expected to feel different, better able to handle things around interning. Everything is a massive catch 22 with it. If i quit school, i have thrown away the last six years of work, and loose fully half of my income (derived from student loans). If i keep going, i potentially risk loosing the small benefit i have. So anything extra on top of that is daunting to think about. i don’t have a picture in my head of what comes next, how i can make everything work. i don’t have the safety net i had expected to have at this point. i don’t even have my identity problems solved, in terms of getting the legal name change and other things done. i’m too afraid to put out any information online about that i would need for a resume for internship. i don’t know. It is a lot, and good to know that some of it is really normal Grad student stuff. Others are not. The mix is exhausting. It seems that all i know how to do is sink in and keep working as hard as i can in every direction.
Sir Raven. School. Health. Keeping my head up, smile on, values intact.